  " Cause everything you wanted me to hide Is everything that makes me feel alive.  - Vertical Horizon,  "
I'm Still Here"  The last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride for me.  As I have mentioned before ( in this or other journal)  I've been looking for a new job.  I've sent a few applications,  but sadly,  I still haven't heard of any feedback to my applications and it's starting to make me think of myself as unemployable in spite of the fact that I graduated from the supposed top university in the country.
 Clearly,  being a UP graduate is not enough anymore and now I wonder what would have happened if I listened to my parents instead and took up Accounting at CLSU.  I might have been in the corporate field today,  which is really what I've wanted ever since I stepped out of school and into the real world.
 I flunk both mid- term exams horribly,  but I don't mind anymore.  I'm trying to get into another program by shifting.  The other,  perhaps I have to start from scratch but it would be worth my meanest try.  * Crosses fingers and hopes God doesn't step in and stop me from getting into the " better"  program*  Yeah,  I've been really getting mean about my faith in God and it has hit an all- time low,
 but I still wish from the bottom of my heart that he will allow and help me achieve my dreams.  I want to do good in life not for my own sake but also for the sake of my family and the one that I am going to build.  Selfish as I am,  I know that I don't live in an island alone,  but that I am but a speck in the general dusty atmosphere called humanity and I have to do my share.  Anyway,  last week has been quite a happy and exciting one which was a good break from my nearly hermetical existence when I shut out everyone from me-
most especially my roommates- and did some thinking about what I'd like to happen and came to these conclusions:
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1)  get a new job and start a new career;
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2)  Give best in school even if it means flunking both subject and don't let it matter but just let things be and learn whatever I can from the experience;
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3)  get into another graduate program.  Now that I have announced it on this " secret"  journal,  it looks like fate will again have to work against me.  But I don't care anymore.
 I just have to go with the flow with these conclusions in mind.  Fate ( should it exist)  always goes against me no matter what I do so I just have to keep moving and maybe meet it head on.  In the first place,  if you think that things are bad enough,  they can still get worse but you can still get through it wounded but barely alive,  right?  Keng's arrival was a good reprieve and I spent some time with two of my closest buds- Tina R ( who I thought had forgotten about me)  and Keng ( who I thought just wanted to throw shit at people and nothing else)
 The Monday night with Keng spent talking while getting drunk was wonderful.  It turned out that even if I still wanted to change places with him,  I wasn't the only one who was leading a life full of insecurity and crap.  We,  all of us,  have to face our daily demons and veer from the crap that life throws at us.  Life is never fair and we have to get used to it,
 as what Harvard drop- out Bill Gates allegedly said.  It's a sad realization,  but it's true and refreshing nonetheless.  At least,  if you get wounded in the battle,  you don't have to come out of it cursing the gods and crying foul when in fact the war is never just and everybody is thrown into it withe highest probability of getting shot and/ or shot at.  I still hope that things will get better.  I received a good news from Purpletrain and I hope the scholarship is 100%  or I won't take it at all.  Cheers.  Life sucks.
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 A song for Keng:  Sunrays And Saturdays Vertical Horizon "
Running On Ice"  Album Open the window Let the sunset in If only for the last time Let me see you smile again I'll take my records You can have your books I'm sorry I never read them But it says so much about us Always trying To make love out of care The perfect recipe But something wasn't there Chorus:
 And I wish you Sunrays and Saturdays Perfect starry nights Sweet dreams and moonbeams And a love that's warm and bright Sunrays and Saturdays Friendship strong and true Oceans of blue and a room wit ha view To live the life you choose You'll write me letters I'll call you on the on the phone A wire away from touching And never quite alone We'll get to know ourselves again And we'll heal our hearts It's not that we're bad together We're just better off apart Always trying To have one and one make two And even though it never worked I still feel love for you 
