  Actually 3:59 as I am starting to write yet another Blog entry. My third one of tonight or this morning. I can't sleep after eating a whole entire pizza pie and drinking 3 sodas. I think all of that pizza and caffeine is fuckin with me. But, that was my last junkfood meal. This time it is.
The reason why I rewarded myself with such a gluttonous endulgence is because I have quit smoking cigarettes. I thought that I deserved it, so fuck it. I ate a whole pizza pie. There's probably kids in Iraq that would jump me, stab me, and kill me for a slice of pizza, but fuck it. I don't feel guilty about it because I quit smoking cigarettes and that's something those kids in Iraq don't have the willpower to do. Lil third graders smoking and shit.
I've seen them little third world country kids on TV, they're all fucked up. The reason why I keep on writing down how I'm going to start healthy again is because I have this goal that I set out to reach a while ago and I need to follow through with reaching it. I'll admit, I fell into a loophole when I started smoking those fuckin cigarettes again. But, I've jumped over that hurdle. I'm on my fifth day of quitting and I can't believe how quickly it's passed. Time flies by faster when I am not smoking cigarettes and I get a lot more stuff done.
That's a good thing because life sucks. The faster it passes, the better off I am. Put me out of my misery as quick as possible. I don't want to live forever and stick around this place for eternity. If I were to die and then Jesus was like, "Hey Everybody! Let's return to Paradise!
I've made Earth into a vacation resort! " I would be like, "Yo, jesus, can you just send me to a place where I am like not around all of you happy faced retards? thanks. " Let's be honest. Life's a bitch. Not only is life a bitch.
But, it's a bitch that doesn't call you when she's going to cancel plans. The bitch (life) just doesn't even warn you when she's going to pull some shady ass shit on you. Is that not life? That's my life. That's why I'm scared. That's why I'm afraid.
That's why I don't keep promises that I can't keep. I try really hard to be honest. But, I don't know if it's really worth it. I fear mediocracy. Did I spell that right? Why should I be like everyone else and just lie and cheat and live in secrecy?
I have no secrets to hide. The skeletons aren't hiding in my closet at all. They're all scattered in bits and pieces all over the place. Because I pour my heart out and try to get it all off of my chest, so that they don't haunt me. But, I have these fears because I have these desires that I wish to obtain. I ask God and I ask myself if I want the right thing.
If I'm asking for the right things from life. The righteous path is one that's forsaken on all sides, so it's hard to really choose the right choice. If my life were a key signature it would be Eb minor. Or D minor. I compose a lot of my music in those keys and people tell me that my songs sound sad. Well, I'm not sad at all.
I am who I am. Sad, happy, angry, painful, patient, and humble. I'm all those things. I wanna be heard and understood. What I'm working on is my communication. Getting these ideas across so precise that anyone can understand what I'm trying to get across.
I think I'll get the chance to be heard someday. When I do get heard and people do understand that I'm not just promoting myself, I hope to make a difference somehow. It doesn't have to be a huge difference. But, if I can get one person to stop taking drugs or another person to pick up a book and try to learn how to read. That's accomplishing something big to me. It might not be shit to a lot of others though.
That's because the world we live in is all fucked up. Sometimes, it's like nobody gives a fuck. Everyone's in this shit for themselves. I don't want to be like that. That's a very lonely way to live I think. To never really experience what it's like to give.
I gotta be more careful though. Because, I feel like I get used all the time. I need to start being more careful about being so kind I think. damn. 4:37am. I should try to sleep even though I'm wide awake.
fuck. i need school to start so i can be normal again. 
