  I feel this pain tonight. I'm home from my sister's birthday party now and I feel a little uncomfortable after going out. It's not because of the people I was around. Since I've changed so much, I feel like I'm so distant from everyone. Being around people that are drinking isn't so pleasant for me. I pick up a lot of energy that's negative and I know it's not directed towards me, but it's there.
I wish that it wasn't. I wish I didn't pick up those vibes and that I could smile and laugh and joke around. Things are so serious though. This seriousness is starting to hurt me I think. I used to not be so serious and I miss that feeling. Honestly, I know what it is. I'm not free. If it's not drugs & alcohol that's keeping me down, it's something else. Eliminating desire and trying to think unselfishly is pretty difficult. This battle inside of my soul is never ending.
There are the moments when I appreciate everything and I couldn't ask for more. Then there are the times like this. When I wish I could just make some sense out of everything, but it doesn't make any sense. I feel like I'm being pulled around by everyone and then pushed away. Back to being lonely again. 
