  50 ways to amuse yourself whilst dining out In the middle of placing your order scratch yourself and sigh like it's the biggest relief you've felt in years. For bonus points inform the waiter taking your order that that 'feels so much better'. Order your food in French, unless you're in a French restaurant, in which case order in Italian. Get your partner to place your order. Sit silently, staring at your napkin throughout, until he/she asks for a side order. At which point look up and start shouting the name of the side order like an exciteable five year old.
ie: 'Side Salad! Side Salad! ' Place your order by acting out the food. Bonus points for acting like cheese. Wear a 'Meat is murder' t-shirt (or similar), and look disgusted when your partner orders a steak. Tut loudly, and then order the veal.
Order a bottle of house red and a bottle of house white and mix them in the same glass. Swish your concoction round your mouth a bit and, thinking for a moment, ask the waiter if they have any rum. Burn things with the candles whenever the waiter is near. Bonus points for burning the menu whilst he's taking your order. Complain that your salad is over-done. Draw pornographic images in the butter and then complain about the presentation.
With each mouthful, gargle your wine. Bonus points if you then spit into someone else's glass. Eat item of each course in alphabetical order. Dress as a maitre-de and turn away ugly people at the door. Dress as a chef and run into the restaurant screaming that the rats are back. Dress as a rat and run into the restaurant screaming that the food is horrible.
Juggle. Each time the waiter comes to your table, remove an item of clothing. When (if? ) he asks what you're doing, inform him politely that you're playing strip three-course-meal. Then remove your pants. Order everything 'well done'.
Order everything 'a l'orange'. Order everything 'on the rocks'. If an older waiter/waitress brings you your food, stand up and scream at him/her, 'You're not my real father/mother. Stop telling me what to do. ' When your main course arrives, say 'ew'. Then ask someone at an adjacent table whether they'd like to do swapsies.
Auction off your dessert. Talk lovingly to your food as you eat it. Over the course of your evening gradually switch the tone from romantic to filthy/horny. See how many times you can slip the words 'throbbing' and 'nipples' into the commentary during the dessert course. When paying for your meal, say goodbye to each note. Loudly, and emotionally, wish them luck on their journey.
Fake choking on your food. Repeat until evicted. Deny the existence of starters. When the waiter asks what you would like to start, proclaim 'There's no such thing. ' If he insists that there is, ask to see proof. Deny the proof when it arrives, telling him 'That's just a small main course.
' Ask your waiter to cut your food for you. Announce the arrival of each course with a rousing song. Bonus points for participation from your fellow diners. Ask if you can go back to the kitchen to thank the chef, and when you get in there head straight for the kitchen porter and thank only him. Carry your main course around the restaurant, comparing what you got with the other diners' meals. Be vocal if someone's food looks better than yours.
Order a spanking, followed by a back-rub. When the bill arrives, haggle. Tip in pennies. Instead of a tip, leave a note with the bill saying 'We prayed for your eternal soul'. Tip in foreign currency. Tip with your phone number, and a note saying 'call me ;)'.
Tip with your partner's phone number and a note saying 'save me from this loveless marriage'. Make race-car noises whilst you eat. Remain standing throughout the meal. If the waiter asks you to sit down, tell him that it's against your religion. Tuck the tablecloth in at your shirt collar. Bonus points for tucking it in to your shirt cuffs as well.
Shortly after arriving, run through the restaurant with your hands on your crotch shouting, 'Where are the toilets? I gotta go! I gotta go! ' Repeat on the half-hour thereafter, shouting 'Let me through, I can't hold it much longer! ' Flirt. With anybody and everybody.
Cover your head with your napkin when you sit at your table. When the waiter comes over refuse to take the napkin off, only asking 'are they still watching me'. When he asks you who, say only 'Them. ' Perform the heimlich manouevere on people. When they ask you what you're doing, simply say, 'Better to be safe than sorry. ' Stand up and tap the side of your wine glass with your fork, as if you were preparing to make a toast.
When you have everyone's attention read the menu (beginning to end) as if you were delivering some great Shakespearean dialogue. 'Soup! . . . of the day.
' Stand up and tap the side of your wine glass with your fork, as if you were preparing to make a toast. When you have everyone's attention sit down again. Take your cruets around the restaurant, offering people salt and pepper. If they point out that they already have salt and pepper, cry. On finishing each course, do a lap of victory around the restaurant. Stop to shake a few people's hands and thank them for coming.
Bonus points for doing the lap of victory with your shirt pulled up over your head. Just as your first bit of food is served, insist that everyone at your table says grace. Make it as long winded as possible. Thank God for everyone involved in the preparation of your meal, no matter how indirectly. '. .
. and thank you lord, for the detergent manufacturers, without whom we would not have clean dishes to eat our food from. ' Speak only in rhyming couplets, from placing your order to conversing with your fellow diners. Bonus points if you're in a group and two of you do it, with the second providing the rhyme to whatever the first one says. 
