  After attending mass yesterday afternoon, I felt a little lighter. God never fails to help at tiems like this. Thanks to Him for whatever good that has happened since then. I know he'll help me, coz I know Janu was an answer to my prayers. Well, there are some instances tho that I felt like crying. I just can't take it that I'm gonna lose my love all over again.
If there's one phobia that I have, it's breaking up. I don't wanna feel that kind of pain all over again....EVER! If I have to move mountains to work this out, I will. (well, I just hope I can move mountains though) We're kinda okey again after talking this morning. "Kinda" coz I'm still not walking on clouds after talking to him. I still have this nagging feeling inside me that he's hiding something from me to keep me from getting hurt.
[Dear God, I hope I'm wrong. PLEASE! ] Another thing is that, we still haven't come up with a concrete plan on how are we gonna see each other. I offered my help to him that I'll shoulder some of his fare and hotel expense but he refused.=( I guess it's a pride thing, but I wish he did coz I really wanna help him and I think I could save and afford it if I really need to. I just wanna see him soon! I'm really scared about what I'm feeling.
I feel like I've gone beyond the deepest hole...or is it the peak of whatever is the tallest? Coz I'f afraid that if I'm gonna fall this time, I'll prolly be close to dying coz I just can't face life with him at all! I don't know what he's thinking though but I guess he does love me if he wants to waste his time chatting with me. But...(here comes) there's something about what he said that was hurtful. He said something like: Me: i was talking about not getting any sms every morning Janu: u were Janu: :p Me: yah what else Me: i think u do it on purpose [-( Janu: time ill give u mornin kiss, im here Janu: i dont have to waste any sms Me: so ur just wasting sms on me? Janu: kinda Me: gee tnx Me: im just a waste of time, money and effort Janu: thats explains all Me: ok Me: then ur prolly wasting ur time right now with me Janu: well i am wastin my time anyways Isn't that painful to hear?
That he doesn't want to waste his money on you. Not to mention his time although "he's already wasting his time anyways [not chatting with me]". I have to get to the bottom of this or else I'll go CRAZY! I don't know why I'm like this. It's too hard for me to just believe it when someone tells me he loves me no matter what he does. For me, it's like it's not enough.=( It's all coz of my stupid ex, who refused to take me back eventhough he clearly still loves me.
x-( That jerk! He's ruining all my chances at happiness! I hope janu will be patient with me when I ask him this later tonight. I was supposed to do it on email, but, I can't wait that long. I might not be able to go to sleep coz of this u know. I wish I could change this attitude.
I'm so hooked on to love...i hate it...but I can't help it! I guess that's all for now. I lost 1.1 lbs in a week (based on my recent measurement). I have a reason to do it now. I have to get myself in-shape again so he'll think twice about dumping me (not that it's a major issue, but it might help. Who knows?).
So that's for now. Btw, I forgot to put this song by Luther Vandross on my blog yesterday when I was really feeling down. I feel that I can relate to this specific part! I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart I'd rather have the one who holds my heart. 
