  So it'll be a month soon since Carl asked to take a break. I'm really scared of losing him. I know it wouldn't be the easiest relationship but deep inside I'm still the hopeless romantic that believes that love conquers all. I know he loves me and I love him so why should we let stupid circumstances ruin our relationship. The more I think the worst it gets. I know that I need to be patient but it's so hard to 'just' be his friend. To hang out and not be able to really touch him, to say goodbye and just hug when I really want to kiss him and hold him in my arms till the cows come home. My brain says that it's crazy to want him to come home to me every night, and wake up in his arms for the rest of my life but that's exactly how my heart feels. I know that at some point I wanted to marry Robert but in hindsight I was just holding on for dear life because I thought nobody would ever look at me again.
I ignored all the signs and all the things I didn't like about him and in some way hoped that he would change. I grew up a lot thanks to that disastrous relationship. Now I know that I can't change people or make them love me. Somehow Carl fell in love with me and although he has faults which annoy me at times, I wouldn't want to change anything.
In fact, a couple of weeks ago I discovered how much I really enjoy movies. I always thought I did but until he came along, I discovered how much I really like to spend an hour detached from reality into a world of "what if". Ironically I complained to him about not doing anything other than going to the movies to which he replied with "You can do whatever you want, I go to the movies". The coment was a little harsh but when I see it from his point of view, I understand that he felt threatened and saw it as me wanting to change him.
Going to the movies is to him what massage is to me. A HUGE part of our lives. The best memory he has is of his mom taking him to see "Star Wars" every weekend for as long as it played. I'm not sure how many times but I know it's in the triple digit range. What I wasn't clear about was the fact that I simply wanted to do other things in addition to going to the movies.
On the other hand this city is closing in on both of us. A lot of places he avoids because of bad memories from Yvonne, a lot of places I avoid because of bad memories from Robert. So you would think that LA has this great city life, yet we can't find a darn thing other than dinner and a movie. Frankly, I just wished we had our own place to just cuddle and veg out. We're more of the stay-in type but it's hard when you don't have a place of your own. If we do that at home Brandon is bound to become the jealous brother who has to sit between us. Anyway, about my discovery, it wasn't until we went to see "Spiderman 2" that I was introduced to the real magic of movie going.
We went to the opening midnight show with Shant, his brother, and one of Carl's co-workers. The theater was full of REAL fans. We waited in line for about five hours and then when we were finally seated an hour before the show, people started doing crazy things to pass the time like throwing beach balls. There even was a guy dressed up as Spiderman. The whole thing was very amuzing, except for the blown up condom. Then the movie started and complete silence filled the room. At the end of it, I was able to see that happiness in his eye. It was three o'clock in the morning yet he was full of energy. He couldn't remeber the last time he felt like that.
That's exactly what I love about him. His love and passion for what he wants to do. I remember that a long time ago when I posted that personal ad, I wrote that I was looking for someone who was passionate. I said that I didn't care what he was passionate about it could have been insects for all I cared the keyword was passion. Ask and you shall receive. I got what I wanted and I wasn't even aware of that until recently. Another thing was how he described all the things that were going on in the theater. Because it was the movie theater he used to manage, he knew everything about it.
He told me how that was his life for about 11 years. The funny thing was that when he talked about it he talked as if he was still part of the company. This made me realize how much it affected him to loose that job. In a perfect world I wish I could give him that dream back. He used to tell me how he created this midnight program where one night of the week they would run old classic movies that a lot of people didn't get to see in a big screen. He was like a God to all these young kids who were interested in seeing movies that came out when they were babies. Years later he still "The movie guy". When we went to San Francisco for his birthday we went to see "Spartan" in this old little theater house it was so nice and cozy.
I wish we could have that. Buy an old theater, make it spiffy and have him be the King of the theater. Men are hunters and they crave that "King of the domain" position. He can have the limelight. I'm fine with the supporting role. If having that will make him happy, then I'll be happy. I know it can be a financial risk but I believe I can help make ends meet. I'm going to try visualization. A loft in San Francisco, lazy Hobbes & Brando on the couch, Carl owning a theater, me helping people with massage. Life will be grand!! All we need is a little push off of this plateau. 
