  It seems like the whole Sarah problem is starting to become clear. However, there's still a lot of gaps in this story.
Seeing Robert after who knows how long (okay four months) was....well that's not the point. The point is, after reading that letter things were more confusing than before I got those e-mails from her or her phone call. I keep thinking and thinking and trying to figure things out but I just can't believe all that is happening. How can some one be so conniving? How can you put a stupid degree over people's lives? To confuse things even more, Jason finally sent me a message.
He says he has nothing to do with this and that he doesn't know any Sarah or Sean. It seems very odd to me that after calling me every day for the past month, he would just not call or talk to me online. How can some one go from some times even spending most of the day either online or on the phone with you to just nothing?
He only did that once when I called him and he didn't return my call all day. The next day we had an argument about it, but that was it. I'm certainly not a needy girl, I was simply worried about him because he had been sick the last time I had talk to him so when I called him the next day and he didn't return my call it was odd.
Anyway, the point is....when I talked to him today, he told me that the reason why he didn't call me was because his phone wasn't working. Oddly enough those bastards at verizon didn't send me my first bill and so I didn't pay it and when I got the second bill saying that the first one was past due, I also got my service disconnected. I could have called him from home but I just don't want my mom to know my business. When I asked him about not being online he said that he didn't have service for about three days and questioned why I wasn't online either.
Odd but true again, they had to switch the DSL service from the phone line to the fax line at work, so I thought I didn't have service at work for about three days. Finally Saturday morning after being on the phone with technical support I discovered that there was nothing wrong with the service I was simply typing in the wrong user name, well not the user name but I wasn't typing the whole @blah, blah, blah thing.
How could I have been so stupid and not realize that mistake for three days? Work was crazy last week so even when I got home, I just didn't have the energy to be online either. It's just surreal to know that the same week that I'm not able to communicate with Jason, Robert gets that letter from Sarah and then we get that e-mail from her.
After talking to Jason again and when he started telling me how much he missed me and how sorry he was for not trying harder to talk to me, I started thinking that maybe he doesn't have anything to do with this, and after he started typing my favorite line to that John Mayer's song ("something about the way the hair falls in your face. I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillow case")......that just got me. I figured what the hell, I would just throw caution to the wind and go see him. I checked and there was a train leaving at 11:30 pm. I would be with him Tuesday morning spend the day together maybe the night and come back Wednesday just in time for work.
It wouldn't be the perfect weekend at a Bed and Breakfast in Big Sur like we had hoped for but it would be the only way to finally see if there is something there. However, my mom still has a lot of influence on me. After talking to her before buying my ticket, she made me worry about dad and how he would blame her if I took off and left; so I tried to talk to dad about it, and as usual he basically called me stupid.
He said I would make the same mistake that I made with Robert. How many fucking times am I going to have to listen to that shit? No matter what happens or what they think I KNOW that Robert was not a mistake. So after driving around pissed off, I finally came home and went to bed.
At 2:00 am my mom comes upstairs to caress my hair, kiss my forehead, and tell me how much she loves me, thinking that I'm sleeping. I've often wonder why I've only heard her say those words in the middle of the night when she thinks that I'm sleeping and won't hear her. So here I am at 3:00 am writing about it and more confused than before. Seeing Robert and finally realizing how much Jason reminds me of him is undescribable. I thought that I was finally over him but I know that I'm not. Every time Jason would say "I love you", I would say it back again and again; hoping that it would come true.
At some point I really thought I did feel it, until he pointed out the fact that every time I said it it would be the same tone of voice. It made me realize and think that I was only lying to myself. It makes me mad at myself because I have tried and tried to forget Robert and I just can't. I'm still confused because what if Jason is the one I was hoping for? 
