  so i've started on what can only be deemed as the ultimate life- long dream of writing my book.  what the hell is it about?  a memoir?  the first hand look from the fuck up girls mind?  a sad modest desire in me to see my name in print.
or just the longer,  printed out,  mass marketly available version of my blog?  i'm not sure exactly. but a couple of days at the book convention thronged with six million publishers,  editors,
 authors and people trying to convince you that writing is the ultimate thing might do that to you.  or not.  we'll see.  : P how's la been,  everyone seems to ask?
 or at least all 368k of you that took up my inbox space that hotmail threatened to kick my ass and stick needles up me.  it's fine.  it's beautiful.  it's sinfully amazing.  i've spent more hours in the sun,  basking in the glow of very deliciously tanned boys from god knows where and from every corner of the earth.
getting in line with everyone and their mother's being sucked into fucking great marketing from the people at universal,  rediscovering my love for mickey,  the anaheim ducks and bloody basketball and every damn news coverage of the downtown la area and back plus getting to know the bellboys,  the housekeepers and the man that stocks up the mini bar daily very well.  life is beautiful and things do seem to be getting better for the most part.  i take these long walks late at night after the partying is over and everyone's returned back into their rooms.
and i walk these streets and streets that seem so ancient and so emcompassing at the same time.  i take a million pictures of the beggars lining up the streets and the drunks returning from a good night out with feathery boas and weird dress sense and make friends with the new faces from different parts of the world all here on holiday or for the book convention.  it's quite strange really.  i've been to quite a few of these things growing up.  my dad's business things but suddenly i am eighteen,  sorta kinda grown up now and put into a different light.
 i meet these publishers that have seen me grow up and i run into their arms for the great big hug and i feel secure.  papa rold especially and he shows me his cellphone and how my names imbedded in there and it's wonderful.  like coming home really.  and me dad.  god,  where do i even begin?
 i cried and bawled like a little child when i met him off the plane at lax.  he'd flown in from narita and here i was,  6 hours later from pensacola,  tired of the plane and fucking anxious to see him and i just burst out crying.  i swore i wouldn't do it and even as i said good bye to the other parents,  amanda and keith.
walking in to board my plane and all that good shit i was still doing fine.  laughing,  making stupid jokes,  tinkering around and being silly. but then i saw my dad and suddenly i felt so many things and it was as if some switch in me had turned on or turned off rather and i was my dad's little spoiled princess child again and i didn[ 't need to be in self-
protection bitch mode because i was home.  and safe.  because it was that feeling of being loved for whoever i was,  whatever i'd become and whoever i was going to be.  it was a good feeling really and i've missed my dad and it's funny how much you realize what love truly is and means.  there's been so many little things in the past few days that have just sorta taken me aback and made me so thankful for my family.
 from the little surprise package my mom sent with my father to the gentle caring glow that reflects in their eyes.  the way he sorta boasts and tlaks about me to his friends/ business people and the way i know he's proud of me and i can be a cocain crack homeless absolutely useless addict shithead and he'll still find something to love.  that just amazes the hell out of me and i am blessed.  truly.  i tlaked to jared the other night too and it was odd.
 there's a lot to be said about the ups and downs i've been through in the last few months but i feel sorta grown up yet naiive in some way now.  some part of me is so ready to conquer the world,  live out my life to the fullest extent i can live it too and yet at the same time i'm sorta chilling and taking things one thing at a time.  it's weird.  my brother's going to balk at this but here i go again tlaking about change as i move on into a high.  bloody manic depressive freak.
 : P some little part in me is beginning to believe in myself. it's as if these last few days i've seen all these people believe in me and seen how i am someone in someonelse's life and it's weird.  i don't know.  i'm also a little worried about ryan at the moment but i suppose i'll ring up jessica tomorrow.  i'll be home in less than a week and that's a crazy crazy feeling.
 wow.  i've also clocked in at least 200 laps in the last few days at the pool so that's kinda cool too.  my bullimia is somewhat under control but it's still somewhere there but you know,  you take it one step at a time eh?  i don't know,  but i'll be right.
 hm.  i need to get back to writing the damn thing and sending out some postcards so i suppose i'll talk to you guys later.  i love you and take care okay?  i miss you!
