  he laughs and giggles on the line and sometimes, there's ackward silences. moments in which we're both sorta like uhm, then comes the funny laugh. the look at us we're being retarded dorks ones. we talk about summer and how things are going in our respective worlds. i tell him how it's strange being back here....and how insanely different it is. he tells me about jersey and the boardwalk, his friends, the people, his life and i cannot help but smile and hold him close. it's funny how little things can make big moments. he says i've been thinking. and instantly i know, here we bloody go again. i want to stop him before he utters those words, i want to stop him before he adds more swirls to the already overlapping confusing spin.
and so i say, uhm. and i laugh again, we tlak about other things. escaped another day. our roles seem to have switched, it's a little bit disturbing and comforting at the same time. --- i am a needy person. i have a million weaknesses, a couple of hundred thousand flaws. yet i find myself striving to be independent the last couple of days. not wanting to need anybody and it's strange. but anyway, jokingly (seriously) i said, lame attempts at trying to be non-chalant about it...as if it wasn't an issue to me at all; what would you do if i came back 20 pounds heavier and ugly? "kiss you. " lol, and he makes it a point to mention that he doesn't need to think about it. i am relieved, that he's still the same person and that i did not concoct him into life, but at the same time, i am rather cynical. i suppose i've done that my whole life; been a damn well bloody difficult lover. but wasn't that so cute, adorable and absolutely corny at the same time?
:) what i meant to say though was that i'm in a rather strange twist at the moment....i feel rather surreal. odd. i sat down the other day in the waiting room pissingly afraid thinking, i really really want to do this. i really want to live. every six months we go through this, and every six months i reaffirm my need to press on in this world, to live on, to renew dreams. and every six months i reach some stage where i worry if i might not make it at all. challenges are posted all around you, the right person, the right being, 'the one' would make it through.
i drift away and keep my distance...i've been doing that a lot the last couple of weeks. it's as if all the crap i learned in pensacola has disappeared into another realm and i'm once again stuck in this position where it is not okay to just be. i always seem to find it much easier to just be whatever in florida than it is back here in kuala lumpur. maybe it's the stigma, or the environment. maybe it's just my state of mind. in any case, it's different. denouncing the thought of a relationship or anything of that commitment when i am here. i suppose i am more trusting over there, more open, a whole lot nicer. i am very cold here, hard bloody bitch though in all honesty, that's prolly the stark opposite. as much as i am more insecure in florida, i think i am a whole lot stronger. over here, i am a lot harder on myself....a lot more abusive and it scares me. i broke down last night because i was bleeding again and i was wide awake having a panic attack. afraid of dying but even more terrified of living. there's a huge stigma attached to mental health care here.
it's a big conspiracy, a bloody taboo and so things are kinda hard and there is an enormous pressure to just keep things right beneath the surface. to hide. i have an appointment next week with the doctor and i know i need it yet it still doesn't make anything easier. i know i have to take my meds but that doesn't make it any easier too. i have been breaking down privately a lot in the last couple of days. it's part of the depression and i understand that but it just gets so hard when the demons in your head are screaming and the dragons are pounding. when you're crying so hard you're sobbing, and sobbing so hard it's almost impossible to breath but it's all done so quietly, so masterfully it's scary. when you know you're okay but you cannot seem to let yourself accept yourself for who you are even if you know that on some level you already do.
nights like this, when i'm still wide awake even if it's four in morning and thinking....i wonder if things will get better. in some sense, in some hope, i know they do. i know things have improved and i know that things will continue to get better but sometimes, like all rides, i worry about the dips that it needs to take to get on top and that scares the petunias out of me. someday i'll look back at this and say remember when? and someday i'll say, good job. in any case though, i've been thinking too. i don't know if that's good or bad. pp/s HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY Y'ALL!!!!
:) 
