  urlLink "im venturing out into the unknown. im flirting with the idea that my life could be different. im armed with nothing. " ever made love and cried? ever had everything fall together so beautifully it hurt? sighing to an end of a climax, coming down from an orgasm.
spent, wasted...and hearing wafts of an old familiar song gently playing, soaking in the aroma of burning berry candles and flicking through images. there was something to be said of the motion, the sensitivity in that moment, as if something had taken me out sureally and i looked down from above. once again, i am useless for words. except that it all came crashing down in a suspended fluffiness. as in it was bad and awful and horrible but absolutely amazing at the same time. i haven't talked about it, i cried once then shoved it to the back of my mind.
my uncle had three massive heart attacks and passed away peacefully about a month ago. yet i know he still had so many things he wanted to fulfill in his life. it comes bursting out through his veins, his work, his eyes. and for a while i questioned, questioned anything and everything that i could question. painfully obvious, death is a constant calamity that shakes my world. he lasted enough for mervin to make that 36 hour ride home.
and my dad told me about the grace of god, the beauties of life. about how the pilots made sure he got off the plane first, and customs cleared him instantly. he told me how my aunt was so strong, so strong. he said he cried a lot. that everyone cried a lot and how the church overflowed with people. people from afar and near, people he had touched and people he had blessed.
a couple of days later, my dad called to say i love you. and this was maybe about two weeks after c.s.u. where my thoughts and feelings and nothingness jumbled into a whole crazy spectrum. still fragile, still mending and breaking at the same time. not knowing, not sure. ....and he said, i love you.
and that's all that matters. that it was okay, come what may. no lectures, no stop this shit, no get a grip racheal. i live in a world where i constantly feel like i am nothing. where i feel like i am letting down everyone around me....but that night, listening to my dad and my mom in the background, i realized i could be nothing, empty, shitty, smelly and ugly and i'd still be okay. that my parents would truly love me come what may.
it's hard to explain...almost as if all the knives in my heart begin to let go. i constantly don't ever think that i ever deserve love. it's stupid, i know. ...i have no doubt at all that my uncle is in heaven, perhaps watching over the kids and telling them stories like he used to do with me. there are times where i am angry with god, mostly because i don't understand. i'll be the first to admit that my faith has somewhat wavered....that i go through days where i seriously doubt there is some entity above that looks over us, and others, kneeled down by my bed praying like my parents taught me a long time ago.
the faith of a child, believing so faithfully and strongly that god will provide, that god will comfort. i remember crying one night in the hospital...in the midst of a panic attack where my fingers had all clenched up and my sanity was seriously going. i remember that through it, in all in my head, i begged and cried for god. and maybe perhaps he did answer. and maybe perhaps i am okay....because look at where i am now. i had nurses sticking needles, calming me down, scared of everything at the same time.
it's hard to describe madness, it's this deep dark empty hole of paranoia and depression and extreme nonsensical highs. i used to ask myself where i would be, what i had to do, where i was going. and if i was serious about it, i have had no purpose nor direction the last year. it's like skiing down the black mountain when you don't even know how to ski. c r a s h i n g. but i have a plan now. and i have post-it-notes.
little things to say one step at the time racheal. and maybe someday, i will save the world. maybe some day i will truly, really, be absolutely okay. but for the in between here and there, i go to school, and write my papers. i tell ryan i love him everyday, so much that we represent one of those sickly couples that go i love you, no i love you more, no i love you infinity...la di da. :) i try to talk to my parents at least once a day, check in.
and truth be told, i am a lot more honest with the people in my life now. no more lonely seduction of depression. somehow, i seem to have gotten to a point where i am not so afraid of myself anymore. i don't know. i'm crazy. :P i don't know how i got to this.
i had ryan cuddling me and the song had ended. his palm on my sobbing chest...and i felt the pressing need to write it down. writing calms me down in this strange way, i don't know. and yes, i am going home for christmas. :) urlLink "It is a beautiful day and I would have it no other way. I need to take more time to stop, pause and look, reflect on the people, things around me before I go about my daily business.
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