  carys. You think the images might fade one daysome day, it will all be over you tell yourself, things are really okay, just look for the good, just look for the good. You watch their faces, so damn innocent, you watch and you guide and you find and search for all the things in you to make things right but you have no bandaids, no miracle cures, nothing to stop the pain or the tears so you cry with them and hold them close and tell them its all going to be okay, that things are alright and you be strong even if you have no idea, you pretend, you piece their jigsaws back together and mend the broken hearts because you know fixing them fixes you too. Things change around you, you adapt, swim or sink, life goes on whether you like it or notdays pass and months go by and things can go so wrong and so right together and all at once in a go so you look out for the good days and bury the bad ones. You learn to let pieces in you go even if it hurts so much, you know you need to do the things you need to do even if everything is harder this way, you try and bleed and try again. You cannot give up, no, life is too short for that. And then you find the ones you love and tell them how much they mean to you.
And then you find the ones youve hurt and tell them how sorry you are. And then you find the ones you dont like but become real friends anyway because you remember what you were taught as a child, to treat others exactly the way you would like to be treated and you ask yourself what would jesus do and what is right and how to fix things even if honesty hurts so very bad, you look deep in you and learn to fix the things you can and accept the things you cannot.
It is a violent game of extremities, at times you think you will go insane from all the pressure, at times you think it would be so much easier to just give up but you realize you cannot, and you realize how wrong you are, how hypocritical it would beyou realize how youve been here before but how you never followed through. You promise yourself to make it this time, you promise yourself change and rainbows, you promise yourself hope. Hope is a beautiful amazing feeling; I forget sometimes. At times I think I should learn to deal with criticism a whole lot better, and at times I think about how I am too proud.
I want to say that to love someone is to love it for everything it is but then again, how exactly do you love something that is unlovable? I am tired of thinking and questioning and at times I wish my mind would just give me a break and at times, it does.
Too bad I forget those moments and focus on the wrong things. The bay was extremely peaceful today. I took out all the tealights I had and lit them up one by one and let it float. It was so serene and calming, I could not hide my tears and so I let myself cry, I cried like a little baby because it was so beautiful, I cried because right at that moment, I knew things were going to be okay no matter where it ends or where life takes me now. I dont know what the future holds for me tomorrow nor do I know how today would end, I am scared and a little intimidated of what is before me and all that I have left behind but just like someone told me a long time ago, you gotta grab the bulls horns by its goddamn balls and screw them.
I am not perfect. I never will be. And so when I strive for perfection I need to remember that no one is either. I have been asked to sing God Bless the USA for the memorial service this Wednesday. Sometimes I wonder if all this is really happening, I sit through rehearsals and think how surreal it all feels, they play the clips and I am numb. I wonder if that makes me cold or if I just dont know how to process it. In a room filled with different ethnicities, race, color, gender, and age, I wonder if I am alone or if I am one of them. I tell myself I have too many fears, that I worry too much.i worry if I break down on Wednesday, I worry about what to say to the kids, I worry about what to say to the adults, I worry if they ask me anymore about muslims, I worry if theyll hate me, I worry if Ill fuck up, I worry everything to death and back but it still doesnt stop me from worrying.
I think too much. I guess I just came back to say that I love you. And you. And you. That each and everyone of you is special and beautiful and loved whether I know you or not. If you came in, you either came in because you were looking for some machoistic entry that is always promised here or because you cared.
Either way, I love you in anyway. Sept 11 taught us a thing or two, remember the promises you made that day, remember the dreams you need to fulfill and know that it will come true someday. I am just one small stupid person in a huge universe filled with every different color, touch and smell but you make up a part of my world and I believe in you. I guess then that I am really shutting this place down for good. It is bittersweet but not a bad thingI am learning to trust myself, god forbid, love myself. It is an interesting battle. I am growing upnow isnt that scary? Take care of yourselves and please know that if you ever need anything or just a friend, I hope you know and would consider me one too. Be good because the angels are still watchingdo something nice for humanity today okay? Corny, but we still need world peace. Everything is going to be okayit has to be and it will be, I know. sing jie pao chu ni. *hugs* 
