  urlLink "She gave her flesh. She gave her heart. She gave her soul. And in return, She was left with nothing but the memories. The bruises. The nightmares. The scars. Discarded. Left to hang helplessly from the rafters within the dark recesses of her mind.
Once more discarded into the black, forcing the familiar journey back to the light. " Two points for determining my factor of existence tonight. Its been a long week; one of those where your days and nights are strung together and your basic necessity of staying alive is coffee and endurance. Classes filled to the brim with people, anonymity comforting, nothing to touch bases at the end of the day. Reflection in the mirror ugly to the eyes, analytical mind criticizes, tear apart my being. Highs and lows from the environment around.
Its been a good week though; parties, friends, people, dates, school, stepping out, being safe. Ive had the security of people around me the last few days, backing me up, the strong arches that rectify my sometimes not so very solid foundation. It is nice to feel like Im wanted sometimes. It is nice to feel wanted. My appointment is this Thursday. I am scared and excited; it feels as if my life is finally going somewhere but at the same time, I am kinda displaced and thrown off about this whole new world I am heading into. It is hard to stay calm and focused when daggers penetrate deep into the skin from every angle and turn. It is even harder sometimes, to just stay alive. Beautiful things are being weaved into my life though, little miracles that almost make everything okay. I keep on reminding myself to not fall in love, as if it is up to me. I will not put myself into a position of having to need someone again.
Its terribly selfish I know, but I need to be strong for me now.need to do this for me. Were all moving on and stepping into the new year. Finally grabbing hold of these reins to take charge, I will not make this another wasted, unaccomplished, pointless year. The initial surreal wonder of having slipped into another year has faded, all thats left with resolutions is fixing. Living. I like all these new people around me. Some perverse part of me enjoys being told Im beautiful, enjoys being taken out and feeling like the most important diamond in the world.
Maybe its the little crazy part in me that has fun dressing up and giggling like a little school girl, blushing profusely when complimented and feeling good. Is it pride? Is it reassurance? Or is it just human nature to like being chased after? Liked. It is confusing to the naked mind why I would choose getting mentally better over physically better.
Why not do both? Why not fix both? Is it a mind over matter thing or is this just another one of my not so great decisions? Id be lying if I told you that I knew the exact reasons why, it just feels right I guess. Beggars cant be choosers. urlLink "if you're reading this, don't reply. because, not only will you have ruined my long-standing perception of friendship, you will have also ruined my rant.
" 
