  barker leaves for missouri tonight. it's not a good feeling. i have so much and nothing to say, this has been a rather odd week. we spent much of yesterday and today together, in between sleeping and talking and singing, i didn't get much done. soaking up after being away from each other a while, and soaking up for the upcoming long months ahead. he strokes my hair and i catch him looking at me when i sleep, i find his fingers to twine with mine...his muscles give me the security and strength i need.
he smiles, giggles sometimes, and laughs at me, only that he tries to convince me that it is with me. and i roll my eyes and mock him and we play fight in bed. he gets shy sometimes and you watch as his cheeks and ears turn red, red, redder. and he sorta does this giggle laugh thing and hides beneath the blanket even if it's obvious that many would die to be in my place...yet he still calls me beautiful. and sexy. yet he still thinks i'm special.
i watch him pull that white t-shirt over this morning as his muscles flex and his abs say hel-lo. it is hard not to jump on him sometimes, he calls me his nymphomaniac. it's equal game though, equal addiction so hah i say. it's going to be weird to not have someoen to come home to or make dinner for me, even weirder when there are no roses anymore. i'm going to miss him as he assures me he will too...and i know he will. it is the gentle way he holds my hand to let me know he cares, it is that look in his eyes that look into mine that make me feel so important and special all at once, it is the little things he does in the big scheme of things...it is his mind, his intelligence, his wit that turns me on the most.
that after all that's said and done, the person, the soul, the being deep within is what i adore the most. 11:23. he got off work an hour and a half ago. left early...i'm not even exaggerating when i say that boy works like a damn dog. he has his dreams, his hopes, his visions and so many can concoct them but not many live them. he's getting there and every day he works on it a little more, i have nothing but absolute faith in him, he's one of those people that do what their heart sets out to do...if anything, those are the reasons why i step back. because my reluctance becomes a damper in his journey.
we are different people...yet sometimes so alike. we are strange and odd and very muchly so queer. we have our own thoughts about the world and the private pains we hide at night. he talked about crying last night, then told me this morning that he did. i've never seen him cry before, and i felt like shit knowing that i didn't wake up while his teardrops fell next to me. i was knocked out completely from the road trip and from using every single ounce of energy left, he tells me stories at night....and sings to me.
or he downloads some new song he thinks i'll like or something new to share. his back hurt like a bitch, and without medication it drove him to tears. i wish i could have soothed him the way he's soothed my nights...and i'm sorry i wasn't there. or that i was, but not really, as he apologized this morning in case he woke me up. he lets me peek through windows into his world, it's a different game completely there. he shows me what it's like to be him, and live his life, he lets me walk through his footprints and pushes me forward when i am reluctant.
he teaches me about simplicity and intelligence, priorities and understanding, he teaches me about barker. in three months, we will change. i will go home and he'll be back in jersey and we'll learn more about ourselves again. we touch on how it'll be to come together again in the fall to shoot the movie...how strange, how odd, how weird things would be. how much would we have learned? what would we have achieved?
how different would we be as individuals? how odd will things be for us? will we fall in love over the summer? will we find our special someones? he mocks him and that hurts me. i turn away and cry to silence as he whispers in my ears and begs again.
he doesn't understand, and neither will i ever know about her. we try and convince ourselves of things he tells me, but somehow, i know and believe, someday that would be me. someday i will be strong enough, big enough, worth enough...and you know what, that someday looms near because i am enough. and strong. and hell bloody worth it. "walk away.
" i'll make you proud silly, just as i know you already somewhat are. that made you smile didn't it? take care babe, i'll talk to you later. drive safe and i miss you. 
