  I have given you everything I am, taken everything you are. And the questions? The questions will always confuse and the answers always lingerbut sooner or later, it will fade. Sooner or later, when bare, naked necessity dictates it, itll all come around. Gullible imp, if anything I am. Deceiving witch, if anything I could be.
We knock and scrape at heavens door, begging the gods to release us of this curse. This curse of uncertainty and disarray. Make me a mark of misogyny you say, make me hate thine passions thirst with a wrath so great it dispels need. Or trust. Or love. Remember this when I am weak and tired again, remember this when I fall and break, scratched up and bleeding.
I am alone. I'll let you break your promises, strip me of my pride and make sense of us by tearing me apart. I'll let you mock me, and take cheap shots at who I am as a person, and who I'll be in coming days. I'll sit here and stare, and when my putrid salty tears touch the ground, I'll let it rot the soil, and kill the earth; all the while masking this face of strength and dignity, all the while masking this emotionless face of disregard. You come back, as they always say, and beg me for forgiveness. You've taken time to finally understand the reasons why I pushed you away; afraid of love, insecurity, disorder.
I want not to blame it on my disease, to blame it on the state of my being, but what other explanation is there? I remember the fucked up child business, I think it hurt most because I actually think you were right. It takes a while for me to trust you again. Someone else is in my life, putting on more layers, like a band-aid over a broken wound...only temporary. Takes me a while to realize too. But you leave again.
You've pushed me to unleash these feelings and emotions that have taken months and months to bury. Phone calls that drive me to explain everything, questions that question and question and question. You want to know why I lied, you want to know why I fucked up, you want to know if I still have a soul, if I am still human. You break this sheen of hardness that protects me and I sob. I break down and you tell me that for once in your life, you finally understand why I couldn't do it. Why it hurt so bad.
Why I couldn't go through us again, the loneliness, the emptiness, the stabbing. I didn't want to lose you again, I didn't want to have to go through losing you again. Then for a while we are good. Or I am good rather. I've come back renewed, the wounds healing and something in me has changed. Something in all of us has changed.
I am good for a while, but not long after that, the nights begin again...only that this time, these are your nights. I cannot complain, I cannot whine, I cannot fight back. I have no voice, I try patience but you've always known the right words the pierce through, I understand where you're coming from but comprehension doesn't disregard the right of emotions. I feel. I'm human too you know? I forget sometimes too.
One night, as if by epiphany, I realize Im still in love with you. And I still love you. I realize when he tells me to move in with him, and I know I cant. I cant move off some place else, as much as Id like tooIve tried that before, thats why Im here remember? Because I was trying to run, escape. So I packed my bags, and moved continents, I thought maybe, perhaps, I dont know.
being in the same place didnt help either, Id severed us long before, too much damage done I suppose. I am the idiot now. Ive always been havent I? When I had it all, I fucked it up. I changed you, you say. I made you into the cold, hard, cynical beast that you claim you are, that you want to be.
I still see someone I used to know sometimes though, I still see him sometimeswhen he lets me see him I suppose. I remember all the nights you asked me why you werent the one anymore. And I remember all the nights you asked if I still loved you and if I would ever love you again and I told you, no. I told you I couldnt love you anymore and that Id fucked up forever. That I couldnt handle just being enough and just being enough didnt cut it. I wanted to be special in your life, I wanted to be everything I was before I destroyed it.
I lied. Youre still that guy. I realize now, but then I know being the hard headed ass I am, Ill reach that stage some day and let you go. I dont want to hurt you anymore, frustrate you, piss the living bejesus out of you. I hide, go away and take you off my lists. I attempt to cocoon myself into security, see no evil, hear no evil right?
I miss you though, I hate it that I do. I hate it that I have to go through this bullshit of feelingwouldnt the world be just nice if we didnt have to feel? I still read you from time to time. Sometimes, it feels as if Im violating your privacy, but then again I cannot help but selfishly wonder, are certain things directed at me? Well, they work pretty well then, because when you put on that cloak and throw sarcasm at me, it still hurts. Itll always hurt, some part of me will always want approval from you, will always want you to be proud of me.
Some part of me is always going to want, at the end of the day, to tell you about it. The stupid part of me still cares. When you talk about doing stupid things to yourself, I worry. And when you talk about hurting and being alone, I wish we could forget our stupid fights and disagreements and I could put my arms around you and give you love. Or security. Or whatever you needed, filled that void for you, mended that crap for you.
Lay it on me. Lay it on me. Everybody wants me to start dating again. Some days, even I do. Sure, its always nice to have company you know? everybody says move on, get off my sorry butt and have fun.
Im young and there are plenty fishes in the sea right? Maybe so. But I want this fish, this fish I killed. This fish I mutilated. I fix me and its as if according to Murphys Law and I get sick again. I dont even care anymore this time, sure, Id like to be all healthy and shit but to go through all that again?
I dont know, maybe not huh? But Im seeing someone and getting help, and the whole damn world and their mothers say that they are proud of me. My real world finally knows I have a disease now, its funny how supportive they are. Damn mind games in my head that still play. Its still hard for me, I still want someone to hold my hand and on nights which Im not feeling too good about myself, say its going to be right. But I dont want to worry anyone, so sometimes I just cry it off and take your remedy of sleeping and sometimes, I just give in.
You asked me the other day about my body. I dont think Ill ever be enough for you. I used to be shy around you, now Im just ashamed. Im doing really good in school. Sometimes, I remember about what we used to talk about. I booked my return ticket five months ago, I thought maybe Ill fly in through LA.
I have to cancel it tomorrowI get to go to Italy, and France, and Switzerland. Get to see all the things Ive learned and put them into existence. I wish things were like the way they were before, and Id write you, hell, even call you to tell you about it. History Honors program. Pretty damn ironic huh? I guess in some ways everything still happens for a reason.
Fate decides whats not meant to be I suppose. Lately Ive questioned my faith, I used to be strong and I hate to say this but gullible. I liked that crappy innocence then, when nothing used to worry me and Id climb mountains without worrying about falling. Its sad I guess, but its okay. Ill surviveyou know I always do, and I know you will too. I see you take more steps away with each passing day.
Some part of me wants to cling on so bad, wants to just curl in your arms and feel you but then I realized that sometimes, loving means letting go. Ive kept you for so long now, kept you in my craziness, my bitchiness, my insecurities and you dont need that. You are right, you do deserve better. You do deserve someone whos going to make you feel good and laugh all the time. I guess it hurts to say goodbye, and weve done that quite a few times. I dont know why I wrote this tonight.
Maybe just to know that Id be okay and maybe just to understand why I had to let you go again. It's okay, you've left anyway. I understand, I'm not angry, not feeling, just sorry. sorry. 
