  (failing little shit. ) it's coming on so strong now, i can feel it in my very pores. the submission of antagonizing fear and there is nothing, nothing i can do. the tears they flow like torrents quenching a desperate drought. crying as if i could do this for the next five hundred years, crying so desperately, painfully. i don't know what i am anymore.
as i stand, one hand pulls me back to fall back and sink slowly into the ground. i am not me anymore. if anything, i don't even know who i am? why do i do this every other day? every other month? why do i sit here and question, question, question?
why is it sometimes just so goddamn hard to love myself. tell me, why? why can't i love me? why do i hate her? why do i hate the girl in the mirror so much? it's as if you go through these emotions...sometimes fear, sometimes calamity, sometimes pride....and sometimes nothing at all.
i am so ashamed of her, it's as if the distorted image in my mind is magnified by a hundred billion times more. and i want to do is tear her apart, and scream. scream. scream. i hate you. i hate you racheal sarah khong chui mei.
i hate every single shitty existence of you. want to know the truth? i'm really not all the strong. really not all that i'm cut out to be. i am Nothing. and sometimes, it seems as if nothing doesn't even describe it.
i am angry with myself. angry because i'm not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not a good friend, not a good girlfriend, not a good daughter, not a good sister, not a good anything at all. it's all just a big pretend. i am angry because i am a sordid waste of space. i am angry because i keep on trying and trying and i swear i really do. i try so hard my heart breaks, my skin is calloused and i am so confused.
i am tired of this madness. i'm tired of swinging between extremes. i tired of jagged jaded pills that don't seem to do anything at all sometimes. i'm tired of hope, because sometimes hoping hurts the most. when you tell yourself just a little bit more. when you say it's okay.
when you try try try try try try try. you know what the saddest thing is? it's that in between it all, some part of me still believes. and it is that very part that lets me down each and every time. i want to run. i want to take a knife and slash myself into a hundred pieces.
i want to take a hundred pills, smile, and maybe take a hundred more. but then, i know as much as you do, that i will never succeed doing it. never succeed in killing myself, if only just to prove my point that i am an utter failure at everything. i don't know if it's worst to not have anyone understand or to have someone live inside this head too. i'm tired tonight. broken i suppose.
i'm just so tired. you know? the scary thing is that it's brought on by nothing. that i am losing it. that i am losing me. who am i?
what am i? where is the little girl that danced with the pixies and sang with the fairies? where's the bold, rauccous, laughy, smily, girl? where's the butt kicking, ass sprouting, sarcastic bitching hot stuff? why does this fat ugly disgusting loser stare back at me? why does this old old distorted sad girl look into my eyes?
why is this girl me? i need to get out of my head a while. merry christmas. happy new year. feliz navidad. happy deepavali.
selamat hari raya. for all the holidays i long to celebrate. for all the memories i wish to live. for all the me, i want to find. a long time ago, i know i loved me. a long time ago, i know i was capable of love and being loved.
i don't know what has happened now, i don't know what i am. and i apologize, i'm sorry because i'm a shitless piece of existence. i'm sorry because i am absobloodylutely nothing. i'm sorry because i don't know what else to be. i'm sorry. i should go lose myself a while. 
