  I had to song lead for Sunday worship today, so last night I had to go to church for band practice and run through the whole thing for the third service today. Songs I had chosen to be sung last week seemed so inapplicable, I wish I wrote right now that somehow god reached out his hand and touched me and everything was alright again but it wasnt because last night when I came home I was more miserable and depressed then ever.
I wanted to sing off key and tell them to bang on the drums harder and break the guitar and run around screaming but I ran through the motions, ignoring all that was within and concentrated on putting on a good show. People stopped to talk, to ask how things were, to hug, to pray, to give in words of comfort but they were just merely what they were, just words. Then because I have to (start) keeping my promises, Id promised the kids last week that wed paint t-shirts for the kids at Cares. I have to do t-shirt painting with the cancer kids next week at the playroom and so the other kids that are on the bed dont get anything and so the kids at the shelter want to paint them shirts as well.
If thats too complicating, I basically had to face up to the kids yesterday, something I really did not feel like doing at all. I felt like crawling beneath the sheets and blocking out everything and anything and going to sleep or crying my fat ass to death. But I didntcouldnt. had a life to live, had promises to keep, had more things to do and people on my back.
I spent too long at the shelter than felt even sorrier for the world and then because everyones so fucking worried no one let me go home till I had about all I could really take from anyone. I think there was about 15 seconds in between when i would have really lost it and just burst into tears.
I finally came home at three in the morning and chris wanted to stay over and keep me sane for the night but I couldnt take anything from anyone anymore. I love him to death but it was just so suffocating because everyone hounds you and questions you and Im okay and everything was just difficult. I hate it when people see me at a weak moment, and I hate being so exposed and soI dont know. just too much attention. I dont want to need someone you know? I just dont want to do that whole thing again. It hurts too much.
Ironically, I did need him last night. I needed him to take it all away and let him just catch me but I know hes not mine anymore so its okay. Im still okay. Im still alright. Im just angry at the world right now. angry at myself. angry because this should be a new day. 
