  monday drag show night... four fairies, a dyke, three breeders and two confused. a good crowd i must say, especially when you're trying to negotiate between the feuding fairies who have now decided that they will exchange partners. yet again. "but honey, he was soooo last week! " uhm. yeah. which of course brings in to my next big question in which a certain breeder could not keep her hands off me.
strange? very. confusing? even more so. saw the ex-girlfriend in naked glory, which of course pulled me aside to show me her new tattoo at a place i would rather really not ever remember touching, all this while i smiled and said oh? and she looked good too. damn bitch. she wore a mesh shirt with nothing beneath but black electrical tape.
i'd forgotten about her nipple rings, her and her statements but damn she was cute. and the best part was probably that she knew it too. imagine this, the couch, dorothy oz(formerly known as chick from emerald city) and 'other breeder' locking me in. and it's almost amusing to see the competition between them two. one rubs her legs again mine. the other puts her arms around me. one wants to show me her new tattoo. the other sticks a lollipop down my throat (?
) one plays with my hair. the other strokes my arm. and the only thing i can think about is WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?! screams. lots of them. it's like lesbians galore in full strength and everyone run for hug and i repeat my summer story six million times but it's okay i suppose. because the boys are just cute like that and are always the best listeners. (how do you shut a gay guy up? you tie his hands together :P) then come the pictures. and more drama. and x's and dollar bills.
of ricketing, swattng indecision and clap, clap, claps. i keep my distance and am very uncomfortable, one because she's straight for crying out loud and the other because well, let's not go there again. and she questions me, as we are leaving the club and i am desperately thinking of ways to avoid the inavoidable goodnight kiss that will turn a competition yet again, don't i miss being with a girl? say what? of course i do. i miss the intimacy. i miss the closeness and the vulnerability of a woman.
i miss her hair, her eyes, her touch. i miss a lot of things, but i'm beginning to think that i'll be okay, that i'll be fine down this path and yes, it scares me. it scares me a lot. i draw back to the conversation with the head doctor in which i tell that i feel like i have lost a significant part of me.
that in between growing up and all that good shit, i have become less confident, much more vulnerable and a little bit more jaded and naive at the same time. and for once, i can tell her that i don't feel as much of pressure like i used to. i don't wake up in the middle of the night suffocating and panicking because i am afraid i will never be enough. right now, i think i'm beginning to let myself be okay, tell myself that it's okay if i'm not prefect. that it's okay if i am not enough, or not thin or not pretty. that it's okay....that i'm okay. that the world isn't going to crash, fall, sink beneath me because i let myself be. ...and it's been seven months since i started dating barker. it's been a rough summer. i've moved out, in more ways than one, and that signifies a million different things.
it took us six and half to admit we were falling in love, that we we needed love and whatever stereotypical things couples are suppose to do. and he broke down when i finally said those words. and it was strange. and it was weird. and it was very freaky. but it was also very nice. and very comforting. seven months seems like a long ass time. but it's not enough. but it's scary. but we're going to make it. the swingers are together, how much more crazy can this world get?
the strangest part is knowing that he understands. understands that craving, the girl days, the swinging....or at least makes a good show of it anyway. and i miss him moving in me. i miss the way his lips trail every inch of my body and makes love to me. i miss the explosions of passion and lust, desire and trust. i miss curling into a warm body and feeling safe, i miss skin on skin and an erection so hard it makes me giggle. it makes me giggle because i did that. it makes me giggle because he wants me. it makes me giggle because i am loved, i am needed, i am wanted. and suddenly, it is okay. and suddenly, i don't feel so ugly around him. and i let him strip me.
and i let him undress the layers. and come close. and lock the door behind him. and open my heart. he comes home in two weeks, and last night was the first night we didn't talk. my pills have been acting up on me so i took a wrong dosage and knocked myself out with it. waking up to find it was twelve hours later and sunlight had risen. i am home, in a foreign place, but home strange enough. school started on monday. i'm making dinner tonight. labor day weekend starts tomorrow. life goes on. :) how are you doing? ((hugs)) urlLink "I do think I need this trip though the underlying reason for it is no longer as pressing or obvious.
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