  I just watched the movie Adaptation and I know I say this a lot, but that was the best movie I've seen in a long time. If you've seen it, the movie sort of writes itself as it goes and so I'll try to do that. So I watched the movie and came upstairs for dinner.
As I sat there, eating dinner, staring down, my mom was barking into the phone next to me with some faraway relative of ours. It sounded important. I thought about how a movie about that important thing would work. About how he or she would be played and who would play them. I'd write the script I thought. But no, it would never work. These people wouldn't be able to appreciate a good movie like that. It just wouldn't work. Of course it was an obvious thing to me why it wouldn't work but then I tried to simplify it all so I could explain it to others.
I suppose its because I'm foreign and all. Things like movies and movie scripts just don't fit into my world the way they do into the world of Charlie Kauffman. There's just that barrier that provides that medium of creative expression from pervading into our existence. Whatever that means. But back to me being foreign. Sometimes, I wish I weren't. It would make things like this easier.
I would be go about doing these things in a much easier way. I'm not saying that I wish I was white or I wish I was black as so many fucked up youths believe. I just wish I wasn't different. It would be easier that way. I don't want the first thing that people think when they see me is "he's brown". I want to be appreciated and noticed for other things. Of course, I want to be different. I want to be set apart. But I don't want what sets me apart to be something beyond my choosing. Beyond my control. I want to individually determine my own methods of creative aesthetic expression; I want to dictate the way in which others percieve me. Not because I really care about how others percieve me but because I want to be able to define my own identity and because the culture we live in is so driven by the way we look, I want to control that.
I don't want that to hinder me. Come to think of it, I don't want for myself to look different. I guess I don't want to change. I want others to change. I want society to change. Fuck then, I guess I'm screwed.
This whole argument made a lot more sense when I thought about it. I bet if I explained it in speaking, where I wouldn't have to worry about all these annoying grammatical conventions and whatnot, it would've been easier. Well, then again, I would've sucked at explaining it to others because I would have constantly worried about how they percieved that last word or sentence I just said and as I got caught up in that, I'd stumble and mess up. That wouldn't be good. You know what I need? One of those handheld voice recorders. Like Charlie Kaufman. Yeah. Also, sometimes, when I tell people this, or tell people the thought that I (and pretty much every other young person thats struggling to find their identity or is struggling to creatively express themself) sometimes think I have thoughts more profound then others; thoughts that others may be incapable of percieving, they ask me if I've read the Catcher in the Rye.
Some of the cleverer ones tell me that I've read Catcher in the Rye too many times. Well, thing is, I read the book a year and a half ago, and looking back at it, I don't think I "got" it. In fact, I know I didn't get it. I think I need to read it again. Yeah, I'll read it again. 
