  Well once again it's been a long time since I've set my thoughts down. I'm awful at journaling, in part because I've never felt as if it were private. There was always my little brother and even my parents when I was younger and my beginning attempts were read by them at one time or another without my permission or approval.
Then there was my whole teenage years and I definitely learned the peril of keeping my thoughts down on paper. Much to my own shame and embarassment. These lessons were learned the hard way because what I write in the heat of the moment will usually fade or good sense will take over. So..... here I am writing on this where anybody can come along and read it. Perhaps I feel a bit safer just because of the utterly public nature of this in the first place. What am I going to write about? I could start with my marriage. This is my second attempt at matrimonial bliss....not that it's been very blissful. I can say this it's been 10 years...not all of it bad. There's been some reall hard times and some good times. Yet in many ways we seem to grow more distant. I feel more and more resentment. It's not that we argue all the time it's more like the same arguement over and over.
I end up feeling like a child and the more he tries to control what and when I do things the more I rail and struggle. I can stand outside myself and look at what's going on and yell at myself to just shut up but the words spill out.... words I know will continue the arguement. Lately I've had some success of curbing those words. Lately it's a smile I paste on my face. I've worked hard to get that far.
Realizing my part in the continuation of the hostility. I have to say that it's worked somewhat. It's helped that I've tried to be more understanding....or at least see his point of view. Yet that's only the start......sometime I'm going to have to speak about my eldest daughter. 
