  The following are a sample of e-mails we have received, maybe these emails may help someone out there. Dear Mr. Gristy, I have been trying to get a woman for a long time (about 200 years) but I don't seem to be able to find one that suits my needs!!! You see the trouble is that I need a female that won't feint at the sight of blood, doesn't moan when her veins are lett, and looks good in the afterlife (this is very important!). All the women I've dated so far have run away when I have mentioned that I'd like to become a fully-fledged vampire, not to mention when I tell them I have a neutral and good side!! Oh please help me, and post my letter, along with your esteemed advice, and help me through these rough times! Yours faithfully, Townie Goth Prat PS- Think you look lovely in uniform! I am very sorry to hear about your problem, Mr Prat. You have two options. Firstly, you can get a life. Live with normal people and stop painting your fingernails black. Vampires dont exist, and for goodness sake, get some protein in your diet. Secondly, you can invest in some good volumes of text from renowned authors such as Alistair Crowley.
The Necroconinum would be a start. These handy tomes would allow you to animate your very own loving corpse. Try not to do a Frankenstein and build you own companion, you could get things sloppy unless your needlework skills are very precise. Either way, young Townie, let us know how it goes. Dear Mr Grist I was just having look at the Toaster Files today, I confess mainly to perve at the pictures of fit birds that Adam occasionally posts there. To my horror I discovered a picture of you dressed up as a policeman. I am quite frankly mentally damaged having geared myself up to look at ladies and met instead your leering face suggestively clutching a truncheon. My only hope is that next time I get it on with some impressionable young filly I will not have flashbacks of the horrible visions that I have endured today.
I am quite frankly afraid. Donatello, Mr Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Whereas perving over some very sexy women is a perfectly healthy hobby, and in fact, The Toaster Files is the best outlet for your raging teenage hormones. It combines witty humour with fine booty. Every thing a man could want. Of course, a man cannot live on nothing but water without appreciating the joy of champagne.
In this respect, your poor right arm will be working overtime unless you get a change of view. Whilst many people find the picture of me as a policeman rather disturbing, you should consider it a change from young scantly clad women and look at it once a while to remind yourself of all that is beautiful by comparison. Remember that my truncheon maybe rather threatening but its no reason to stop reading the site. Contact me at: urlLink gristadviceline@hotmail.com and your question and my advice will be printed here (with your name changed for legal reasons) 
