  June 22, 2004 Who’d have thought that an e-mail of a monkey with a penis growing out of her head - named Naughty Betty, no less - could make a girl so darned happy? (Boy, *that’ll* get me some appalling search hits, I’m sure. ) You see, I got an e-mail from my favorite artist in the universe…Donald Roller Wilson. (Warning: Dial-up users should not attempt his site, IMO. You’ll be sitting there scratching your ass until the cows come home, and lucky to have half of one of his paintings loaded on the screen. ) For the uninitiated among us, urlLink Roller (as he refers to himself) paints these incredibly surreal scenes in incredibly realistic detail. They often contain dogs, cats, or some variety of monkey/ape/chimp, etc. They are haunting and gorgeous and comic and downright thrilling, and if you don’t agree, you are a tasteless schmuck. (What can I say? I get defensive when someone critiques my great loves in life. ) Anyway, this is not the first e-mail I have gotten from the source of all artistic goodness, but it is the first that is vaguely pornographic. I’m not going to say much more so as to leave a lip-smacking air of mystery, but let me state for the record that I did not send the first e-mail (there would be something boorish about that, to my way of thinking), nor will I go on pestering the man.
After all, he’s got cool shit to paint. Still, though - sigh, swoon. What else could a girl want besides an occasional lascivious bolt from the blue from one of her heroes? But back to my everyday drama. I was a housewife on poor man’s speed today – coffee. Every day I drink it makes me wonder how I ever lived all these years without it. It’s like…well, it’s like plugging yourself IN, fer crissakes. Henry is still occasionally uttering the words “damn it” with alarming accuracy for a two year old.
Just every now and then, and always in perfect context. I put on my best stern face and say gravely “Don’t say that. That’s not nice.” The first time I replied in said fashion, he seemed to absorb the gravity of the situation, or so I thought. But then about a week later, I hear him mutter “Damn it!” followed immediately by “Don’t say that.
That’s not nice.” The poor kid’s got my genes, clearly – he’s already talking to himself. Grammar pet peeve of the day: misusing the word “enormity”. Enormity means something along the lines of “a great evil” (too lazy to get the dictionary – just trust me on this one). It does NOT have anything to do with size. If you want to talk about how huge something is, you’ve gotta pull out something like “enormousness”.
And if that’s too unwieldy, then just say “huge”. Or “gigantic”. But save the word “enormity” for discussions of Hitler, OK? Just another example of people trying to use a fancy word to sound smart and ending up sounding dumber than a box of hair to anyone who bothers to crack a fucking book once in a while. Stick with what you know you know, OK? Speaking of reading, I hate it when I wind up digging a book that a bajillion people have read, only I wind up reading it eight years after everyone else does and nobody wants to discuss because they’ve all forgotten the salient details by that time.
OK, OK – let me just shut up and tell you what I read: The Nanny Diaries . Maybe the highbrows out there will sneer, but I found it engrossing. In addition, I’m prepared to march on Washington for legislation that would permit the public caning of any ‘parent’ even half-resembling those in the book. Work of fiction, my ass. Give me their names and I’ll send a thug to greet them as they step out of their limo.
Hmmm. I must be a little aggressive tonight, by the sounds of my writing. Like I’m just scrapping for a fight. A by-product of caffeine? Crabby over that $450 bill I had to pay for Henry’s emergency room visit back in April? Perhaps. I really should hit the hay, because I have a ton of shit to do tomorrow, although I can’t recall what any of it might be right at the moment. Maybe someone could leave me a little poem in the comments. Something friendly to take the edge off me. That would be dreamy. 
