  I doubt my good buddy Tyler will come to the site but if he does - I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU SUCK (I know you had fun today, and my day was lame). Right now I'm trying to find out what Matt is up to (he mailed me at six and I was in the shower). He isn't responding (what's new? ) So I get to sit here and talk to myself, and to Mattie. Maybe Tyler.
God, I seem so boring and lonely today - guys, I HAVE friends. I just like it when it's just me and Matt that I have to deal with, to answer to, and so I blow people off because every time I try to do anyting anymore I get blown off. Like this weekend I was supposed to go to Sara's house and she is wroking and doing homework and we might go out tomorrow afternoon but that's it. I like screwing other people up rather then letting them tell me to fuck off (inadvertently). I used to wish that somebody close to me would die so I would have a reason to be so angry and so withdrawn .
. .
and then two of my best friends in the world died in my arms, and I didn't tell anyone about it. I just cried silent tears when I got the chance to, all alone in my room, all by myself in the world. And what would I say if they were still here? Go to hell, and go now, so I can have a real reason to cry.
A reason besides MY LIFE SUCKS because at that time I didn't know that it wasn't okay for my dad to hit me and or my mom to ignore me. I just didn't. I thought I was just .
. .
and then the doctors told me that I had manic depression, and a panic disorder, and I'm obssessive compulsive, I was so releived. THOUGH MOST PEOPLE THINK THIS IS REALLY COMMON SO THEY SAY WHO CARES, it made me feel damn good to know that somebody recognized that what you could see of me was an empty shell, and that that shell wasn't real. Do you know what the first thing people see is when they walk into a crowded room with me in it? Me. I'm so loud, and tall, and people say I have "magnetic energy" (thank you Paul) that people are drawn to me. Only that seems to only be a select few people lately, because the people I've only known this year - I think I freak them out a little bit.
Matt is such an asshole. God I just want to be mad at him so badly. I just want him, can't he understand that? I want him. I'm lonely, and he's mine, and he won't just .
.
.what the fuck I am so going to bed I am not making any sense. I cannot go to church in the morning, I'm too fucking cynical for that. Who needs God when you have the whole fucking world planning out your life for you?
I would like to say I do, and not that my faith is gone, but what the hell do I think I'm getting at? I'm trying so hard to cry and I can't. It's just that angry knot in my throat that makes me feel pathetic and no tears to releive the pain. Okay, Dylan just got on, he'll save me .
. . 
