  Blue Monday (A Little Cheese with that Whine?). I just took the test at urlLink AdultADD.com . Turns out I've got -- wait for it -- adult ADD. I had most of the symptoms: Difficulty concentrating, inability to organize, procrastination, bad memory for appointments and obligations. This is the second screening test that came up with that result. The psychopharmacologist that's prescribing my depression meds said that Welbutrin should do the trick. I didn't point out to her, but should have, that I've been taking Welbutrin for years now and it hasn't made a dent in the ADD symptoms. All this contemplating my weaknesses made me stare into space for a while, think about worst-case scenarios, miss my wife (who's working a double shift in order to make some extra money for Christmas) and really, really wish for a drink.
I've been having a lot of that lately. I've been on the wagon for 7-1/2 years now and I'm proud of that, but if somebody handed me a drink right now I'd toss all those years of sobriety out the window and suck it right down just to get that feeling you get when you have the first drink. Everybody knows that feeling; it's like breathing clean air after walking through smog -- like falling back onto a featherbed after an exhausting day. It's relief in a glass. I miss that so very, very much these days, when I feel like there's nothing to my life, like I'm stuck in mud and I haven't accomplished a damn thing. When I was drunk I could put the fear and the envy and the sense of not belonging to the human race aside for a night. I could feel free and go bed and sleep deeply and not wake up in the morning stillness and wonder why the hell I was alive.
That's the way down to where I was before, down to the place where I was less than human, more like an animal who cared only to eat, sleep, and get drunk. I'm not going there again -- I know what it's like now and I'm not sure I could survive it again. But some days I wish I could forget the animal times and just get that one sip, that taste of release. Just once, you know, and never again. You know, just like before. 
