  Budgetary cutbacks have forced the library to eliminate the following telephone services: "Library Paper-Stapling Helpline" "Library Coffee Mug Regulations Helpline" "Library ID Card Swiping Helpline" "Library Restroom Flushing Helpline" "Library Cell Phone Policy Helpline" "Library Locked-in-my-Carrel Helpline" "Library I-Think-The-Guy-Sitting-Across-From-Me-Is-Masturbating-Under-The-Table Helpline" 
