  NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR LAW STUDENTS (a follow-up to yesterday's Professor Resolutions): "No more ripping pages out of books in the library just to flummox my classmates. " "I will only play Spider Solitaire once class has actually started, and not beforehand. " "No more using my purported legal knowledge to convince distant relatives to transfer their assets to me. " "I will buy my casebooks this semester instead of just stealing them from the handicapped kid. " "No more sleeping through Wednesdays. " "I will start outlining at least one day before the exam this time. " "No more masturbating to pictures of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It's just wrong. " "I will not assault any more members of my study group. " "No more pretending to be British. It's not funny anymore. " "I will tell at least one of the four firms I've accepted offers with that I'm not going to actually work there this summer. " "No more using the copy code I got because I'm a professor's research assistant in order to photocopy my behind and send it to all of the people on my professor's mailing list on his stationary with a personalized note.
" "I will go to at least as many classes as there are months in the semester. " "No more showing up 20 minutes late and leaving 20 minutes early for a 45-minute class. " "I will re-read the contract I signed when I sold my soul to the devil prior to recruiting season.
" "No more taunting my friends at unaccredited law schools because their casebooks have large print and color pictures. " "I will donate one day's salary to charity this summer. Or not. " "No more spending my free time doing "research" for my "paper" on how easy it is to illegally download movies before they are even in theaters. " "I will not file any frivilous lawsuits this year. " "No more cheating on my Lawyer Ethics exams. " "I will stop making New Years resolutions I know I can't keep.
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