  The Voices in Our Heads Saturday, February 14, 2004 2:48 PM Starbucks  Near Buckland Hills Mall Manchester, CT (This was one of those times that I started writing without knowing what I was going to say. I planned on editing it later to make it more cogent, but ended up liking the rambling rant I ended up concocting. If you're looking for a well-written five paragraph essay, this isn't it. If you're interested in my search for truth, you've found it. Either way, you've been warned. ) Ah, Valentines Day.
The day of love and romance. And inspired by the murder or stoning of a priest thousands of years ago. Or something like that. Interesting that love and romance are two separate things. Ive been in a relationship for more Valentines Days than I care to count. Its been a while since I was single on February 14th.
Im not really sure what bearing this has on anything, but I just feel like talking. I am alone in the commercial sense of the word. I am not buying Valentines Day jewelry or Valentines Day roses or Valentines Day lingerie (not that I ever did! ) or anything else that we are supposed to hold so dear on this one day. My wallet is considerably fuller than it has ever been on this day in the past. And I still feel fulfilled.
I think that for the first time in my life, Im enjoying creating my own personality. I have a natural tendency to please. Add that to a long string of relationships, one right after the other, and you get one confused and lost Ehren. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I lost my way. In some ways, for all my bravado, I never had to think for myself. (I wonder how much of this is crap.
Have I really just been a puppet for years? Somehow I doubt it. But regardless  this is interesting. Lets see where it goes. ) Being in a relationship make certain things easy. Who will I hang out with?
Right, I have a girlfriend. Problem solved. Who should I ask to go on vacation with? Whoops, forgot  girlfriend! Who should I try to have sex with tonight? Well, Im a horrible player, and anyway, I have a girlfriend.
So many decisions become easy as a result of having a girlfriend that its been easy to lose sense of ME in the midst of all the US that occurs. The development of the US becomes so important  which, in all honesty, it must, to actually create a loving relationship  that the ME either ceases development and goes into stasis, or just takes a permanent vacation. Its the second part that I am now famous for, and am now spending energy to examine. Im great at US things: talking, understanding, giving, receiving, just doing nothing together but its the continued development of the ME that I historically have ignored. Sometimes I think I need remedial classes in myself. This is, of course, hogwash.
Im the best expert on ME there could possibly be. Nobody else has lived with ME for quite so long as I have, so I know the idiosyncrasies of ME impeccably well. I even hear my voice  or to be more correct, voices  trying to tell ME what is really going on in my head and what I should do about it. Voices, you say? In my head? Hes nuts!
People dont have voices in their heads telling them what to do. Not normal, everyday, good people like us. Yes, you do. We all do. Each facet of our self  our personality  our ME  has a voice. And it talks to us.
Not about things like aliens invading our mattress or conspiracy theories involving our pet rat (well, not usually), but about the decisions we face everyday. They talk to us and tell us what they would do and what we should do and pretty much try to run our lives. As long as you realize that theyre merely parts of ME and not individual entities, theyre perfectly healthy. Its called self-awareness. Its called listening to your heart. Its called following your dreams.
Theyre all our concept of the voices. So we all have voices in our heads. And they talk to us. But I dont always hear them. And that is the problem so many of us face. We ignore the voices.
Whether we pretend they dont exist, or get so good at ignoring them that we manage to shut them out altogether, the outcome is the same. We deny the voices the right to speak. And in doing so, we cut ourselves off from the one thing that can show us how to bring fulfillment into our lives  the ME. Your ME knows what you need. It gets it, understands it all. By ignoring it, youre ignoring your own true feelings, needs and wants.
Why would you do that? Maybe youre scared of what might actually happen if you follow your dreams. Dream-chasing can be a dangerous business. What if you fail, and your dreams go up in dust? Can you handle that? Better to just keep your head down and not try.
But you know, deep down, that you cant do that. Because youve been doing it, and look where you are. Youre unhappy because youre ignoring your voices  and they dont lie. But they can be misunderstood. You see, they dont always speak plainly. Sometimes they talk to you in riddles, sometimes in Greek.
And sometimes they dont talk at all, but simply exude intent that youre just supposed to get. Hell, its hard to understand. But theyre part of you. If you dont figure out how to hear them, who will? And what will become of you if you dont figure out how to listen to yourself? Im somewhere in the middle of this journey right now.
Im realizing that I have ignored my voices for a long time, and am trying to get back in tune with my ME. But I dont really understand yet what its trying to say. Its speaking in languages I dont yet understand, but will someday. I know that something is not right, but cant see far enough yet to figure out what IS right. Its a nebulous place Im in. I could fight it, just go do something, anything , but what good would that do me?
I really need to just be still and listen. Give myself time to filter out the static. And the understanding will come. I cant bear the thought of wasting my life on useless endeavours. I wonder if thats possible. But for now I need to stay in gentle motion, while quieting my heart.
Once I can do that, then I will begin to understand what the voices are telling me. And this thing called life will start to make sense. Im not angry at Valentines Day. Im not sure I ever was. But I almost feel sorry for myself, for the way I used to feel it was all so necessary to be complete. Because loves not about one day.
Thats called lust. I know that now. Love is something far different. It requires the continued development of the ME while pursuing the US. Its a balancing act between the two that takes time, patience, and commitment. And I will find it again.
Maybe this time, Ill be ready for it. 
