  It craeted such a surge of energy, you would not believe. It ran through my veins so fast. I got all tingly...all over. I don't understand it. It was so different inside. Before, it was like...I had full control...with guidance....and now it's speaking for me.
I am told that ...what i said happened was a cop out. I am being held back. They don't know what happened. and they assumed it was like the last time. I understand. I never got the rush before.
i am being yelled at over this. It was different. I had control. But it had to stop. it had to stop. Only one yell was at her.
the others were to let out what was inside. It wasn't directed at anyone. The tingling. the irritation. it wouldn't stop. It wouldn't stop.
I told her "It was different" Even though it was clear to me, that on the outside it was the same. it clearly looked the same. this time...on the inside, like I said before there was a surge of energy. I was looking forward to a bright summer, emotionally. First a small scuffle with someone. But now this.
This energy...I don't know what it was. But it wasn't adrenaline, im used to that. Scare yourself, you will get adrenaline. Presence of God, that gives adrenaline. This was not that...this was something ...much different. I tried to explain to her...it was different....."it's just a cop out" it's what you say every time...it's different, it's different.
The first two times...were the same..just me yelling without a cause...to get attention. although ...the time before this...was weird...I couldn't stop panting....I couldn't stop...the laughter, I couldn't stop the laughter, even though I wanted to. I tried to...it turned from anger, to fear to sadness. My parents don't understand. She yelled at me. I was just going to be silent..this time...all that crossed my mind "mom.....you said soft word calms....." then i stopped thinking.
Extremeness of emotion pulls it. Life is so pointless now taht I am out of school. This time though.....I can't think of taking any more...that energy rush, the tingling, I couldn't take it. If I tell her she will have me committed, I don't know what happened. Augustus, no one...suffers from this. It's not rage...i know rage.
That was not anger...that was fear, that was suffering, that was suffocation, that was exile, that was neglect. That was not anger. It was anything but anger. All I felt inside. Rejection, taunting, rejection, taunting, neglect, neglect, fear of lack of something, rejection. Everything I do is questioned now.
I tried to tell her, I couldn't explain this energy to her...to say it..she would deny it. All I can do..is let them thing it was ...all the same. The last time was because of loss of trust. I learned not to react to that. I can't take it. I can't take it.
Life is pointless now. I told her this wouldn't happen again....I guess I forgot. I had to back up...i was being cornered, she was taking it away from me. She blames it on the lack of my fatherly relationship. That doesn't matter to me. whether or not he is there.
I see kids and there fathers, kids and there grandparents. I don't know what that means to me anymore. Why was it that at first when I played magic, I was into the green......then it shifted to black. Why did I go from life to death? what is it about darkness that attracted me. What does all this mean.
I left in a good mood. Apart from the janelle fiasco I felt fine. I went to dinner, and enjoyed myself. came home, and was happy. I was sitting at my computer content, no issues. I noticed she was near me, so i turned off my headphones.
She kept on tapping me like i wasn't listening, but i was listening, I was listening. kept on tapping, kept on nagging me....kept on calling me like i was ignoring, when I told her, and displayed that the music was off. Then for that, she kept on tapping me on the arm , hard....very hard...poking...poking. Then I told her to stop it, it was aggrivating me. she kept on doing it. I told her again.
Then she yelled "WHY CAN"T YOU JUST STOP THAT"..... then it echoed "calm voices soothes anger"....i couldn't take it. Rejection of force of will. I took off my headphones forcibly and jumped back. I yelled, yelled again, yelled (the panting started) again....then it hit the energy hit. I hated it...I wanted it to stop, I wanted it to stop so bad. I had to yell, to drain it out.
I couldn't take it. I couldn't take it. It pricked so hard all over my arms. It pricked so hard. I stopped yelling...even though it was the only thing that could stop it. and waited...panting...till thw prickling finished...it took about 2 minutes for it to stop.
and that brings me to where I was told...that what I did was teh same I always did......they didn't know...and won't understand...that it was...the same outside...but inside...i was in agony....agony. Why do I live out these pains? it felt like true emotion. Can anyone explain?....i think I know.....but help would be nice. 
