  So how do I say this without sounding like the most horrible person. I sometimes feel like I am quite possibly the worst Christian on the face of the planet. However I do not feel any guilt or remorse about this because there is peace. I have not talked to my mother in over 3 weeks and she has been calling trying to get in touch with me. I have not returned a phone call or e-mail and I don't want to. There is a fear that lies beneath in my soul that I can not think about. There is a heaviness and a darkness that burdens me everytime I think about talking to my mother.
Why? Why? Why? I want to love and respect her, I want to cherish her, I want to honor her as the Lord would call me to do but I can't. I think that I can honestly say without a question that I do not love my mother. I don't respect her deicisions, her advice, the way she treats everyone including me. I don't respect her as a mother because she has done an absolutely horrible job. I don't respect her advice and the way she expresses herself in all situations.
I do not cherish anything about her. Cherish would imply to value highly, to hold dear and I don't value her as a person, as an adult grown woman, as a parent, a wife, or a friend. The thing that I have the hardest time with is the honor part, she doesn't honor anyone in any definition of the word.
How do you give honor to someone that does not deserve it at all. How do I justify my feelings towards my mother when it explicitely goes against everything that I am called to. The fear that I speak of is the fact that I was once just like her. I was angry and violent towards people and the world in general. I was confrontational and aggressive when things were not done my way. I was a horrible person to everyone, family, friends, people I didn't know.
I don't ever want to be like that again, I want to be bigger than all of those things that hinder me and build a wall between God and I. My mother's wall is still a million feet high. She won't let anyone in and when she does they are lies. She won't put anyone first because it does not advantage her. There is no gain in giving of herself so she doesn't do it even though she thinks she does and will be irrationally angry if you don't see it.
I hate the person she is and all she does is help me to put myself right back in that place of contempt. She is the only person on the face of this planet that can get me right to that edge where I used to lose it. She is the only person that can still drive me to a rage that is uncontrolable. She is the only person that I would hit because of my anger and her complete disregard for anyone but herself. She has lied to me, stole form me, and beat me down so much that I can't do it anymore. She has lied to my sisters and given them false hope that she will actually be the mother that they yearn for.
She has badmouthed my father, blamed the entire divorce on him, and criticized him to me. I really think that she thinks that I was to young to really understand what was happening. I think that she really believes that I didn't see her affair, her abusiveness of my dad, and her lack of attention to my sisters and I. She sees me as a 12 year old kid that doesn't know what I am talking about. I can't watch her treat my sisters the way that she does, and I can't listen to her blatantly lie about my father not only to me but people that don't even know my father.
I can't do it anymore.
These last 3 weeks have been so peaceful. I have been able to focus 100% on my marriage, family other than my immediate, school, and work.
She calls every night and the dread rises in my throat. I honestly have this feeling of nasea every time I think about talking to her or listening to her crap. I really don't know what to do about it. I have prayed that God would change my heart and I would be an example. I truly think that I have been however nothing has changed and it has literally been 4 years. I am tired, I am drained, and I am weary of her.
I can't do it anymore. 
