  so these last few days have been some of the most intense this cozy little abode has ever known. it is hard to begin the story, so forgive me if initially makes no sense. here goes. so as much as i complain about J, i still spend more time with him than about anyone other than my girls, A and L. he gets on my nerves and picks drunkan fights with me, but when it comes down to it, we wouldn't have it any other way. J just graduated. he now has a BA in journalism. he is also unemployed, but to the fact that he can no longer work at the paper because he is no longer enrolled in classes. J has gone to look for a job here in town (any job he could get) every day for the last month or so. all he has been able to find thus far is one interview, that was scheduled for tuesday at blimpies, out of town a ways.
needless to say, pickins are slim. so since J is not in school, he has nothing to do. he sits and thinks, and it comes down to the fact that J's brain is thinking itself into pain and oblivion. thursday L, A and i walked down to main street and had ourselves a little girly night out, had a pitcher or two of beer, and chatted. J decided to "go out with his roomies" so all was well. anyway we get home at maybe 9:00, and L calls J.... who is not answering his cell...... and by 1:00 she is in such a frenzy over not hearing from him that A offers to go with her to his place to check on him, see if he is there, if everything is alright. they go to J's, let themselves in, and there they find J, passed out between a chair and the wall, head back, eyes open.
they get him up and get him water, and bring him back to our place so leah can watch over him. well this night i am kept awake until 5:30 am to muffled conversations in L's room. she spends the next 36 hours with J, and it takes forever for her to seperate from him to tell me whats going on. turns out that Jhad consumed 2 bottles of vodka that thursday night, and walked 15 miles around town thinking about the quickest way to kill himself. jumping, stepping out into traffic, etc. he concluded that knives were the answer, soon found in his room. he replayed images of serated knives vs. straightedged knives going through flesh to L, which one he thought would be quicker, more resourceful.
he was a loser, if he couldn't find a parttime job here in ames, how was he supposed to find a career? he then felt bad for being so stupid and weak and even thinking about it.... and then felt even worse that people were worrying about him. for two straight days he laid on our couch and would hardly speak, let alone smile. at anything. anyway L talked him down, thinking he had peaked. saturday dear old J was back to normal. they decided to move to chicago, and things looked bright and cheery and all was well. J was offered a shift working for his dad's buddy doing the construction he had done the last few summers, and was scheduled to do it this morning, just as he has a few random times over the last few weeks (not a job, but merely covering other people's shifts and earning a few bucks.
) or so he told L. he called her at 10:30 last night to say goodnight, he was super tired and "had to get up at 5:00. " and that was that. L and i stayed up late, waiting for A to get off work, and watched a little sex and the city. (again. ) so at 5:30 this morning the phone rings. it is J. "K! " "yeah...." "I NEED TO TALK TO L" "uhhh alright. " so i go get L. two minutes she bursts in my room, bawling. J is in jail. out of town. he was arrested for drunk driving at 5:00 am. he was found passed out in his totaled car on the side of the interstate, eyes open, drooling....... the cops thought he was dead. emts were called, and they did not know he was ok until the tried to load him on a stretcher and he snapped out of it a little.
L did not find out that he never went home until she got him out of jail. instead he let her go the night before so he could drink..... a jug of wine... then get in his car and "go off roading for fun" so he could "accidentally" kill himself. he brought with him a case of beer to drink as he went.??? this morning all he could say was how he wish he would have died, or if nothing else killed someone else, so this all could be over. let me point out that J parties, but has never been a crazy drinker, and has certainly never been a depressed kind of guy.
it peaked this morning. he spilled his guts to L, the first person in his life, regarding things that had happened to him when he was a child... and asked her over and over to break up with him because he was a fuck up. as L sat in my room at 7:00 am i convinced her to call her dad. (he is a counseler for christian charities, teens and twenty-somethings, sexual abusers, abused, chronic depressents, unwed mothers, that kind of thing) just to see what he had to say because if anyone knew what had to be done, it was him.
so she called him. she then finally got J to relent and let her call his mom. long story short, she explained what had happened thursday, and J's mom came down from his hometown to more or less move J home. his mom is a photographer for a mag so thankfully works from the home, as does his independent graphic designer father. so they made an emergency appointment for this afternoon. they didn't give him any meds, but scheduled a day long evaluation tomorrow from 9am-3pm. he is still in a "life sucks, now i feel bad for making people worry, i'm worthless" mindstate. so L went down to his house to stay with him (watch him) tonight at his parents house.... i can tell ya they better get some fucking meds into his system, and fast.
it takes like 6 weeks for meds to kick in, and L and J had intentions of being gone by then..... now what? so their future is forever changed.... can they move? can J get a reporting job with "the record box" checked on every application he fills out? will he even be alive to fill out these applications? is L going to put her life on hold for J who can't handle what is going on? i feel so bad for her, but all i can do is sit here and talk to her, which consists of more or less letting her talk. and i hate it. anyway i feel better getting that out. i did tell S, but he is it cuz i am sure J is not looking for the world to know.
and S is out of town so i trust that. but god..... could things BE more complicated? and i saw the man i am in love with yesterday in the store. :) i miss seeing him around. the emo kid from my hometown came in on saturday, and has boughten two more bright eyes records following the one i suggested, and the good ones too. cursive is next- i love infleuncing people musically. har. hes going to see if his knows my bros bitch and get back to me, but does think shes a bad judge of character if she thinks i am a bitch. aww. i have cramps and i am worried about ma and pa and L and my job and life and especially J 
