  I think this happens in all aspects of life, and manifests itself as one of the biggest challenges to overcome in strategies to enduring life. When do you sleep / when do you live. So ya, I feel dumb, and beaten down. I guess obviously I should live continually, but you wouldn�t believe how frustrating that is, and how you [I] just end up saying mean shit. But I know that other people can pull it off, without blinding themselves, so I think I need to meet and copy people like that. I like to think that the physical abuse my mind has suffered during my self-destructive self-analysis was for my own good. I want to believe that getting drunk and doing drugs is a lot like �brain training�. Just like when you lift weights, you tear old muscle, and repair it stronger than before, or how broken bones will never break in the same place twice. And it is true that brain cells repair themselves over time, so it is possible that this has [physically] been a fruitful experiment. Unfortunately, I believe that the truth is that my self destructive introspection is really bullshit, and the true motivation is a cowardly lack of enthusiasm in finding the silver lining. I wonder why? Lots of people I know have found silver linings in their lives. Most of it is bullshit, and the things that they cling to are artificial, superficial nonsense [from my perspective, but I believe also from God�s perspective, so...... ya].
But that is ok, they have different goals then me, and whatever keeps you going has got to have value, if only in function and not intrinsically. I thing the unfortunate truth is that my calculated self-destruction is just as weak as clinging to the security of acerbate familiarity. I think that the biggest problem people [like me] have in their lives is knowing when to cut bait and walk away from an issue It is hard for me to understand that life is not just a sequence of mathematical puzzles.
Solve one and then move on. The problem is that I got stuck on the first problem. Fine, life is pointless and makes no real sense. It is filled with those who take and those who give, apparently both motivated by instinct. It involves nice people getting fucked over, and evil people fucking everything they can [more figuratively then literally, but literally to some extent, I think based more on real motivations, not because sex is wrong].
It involves destruction, not maintenance, of human dignity. It involves subtle defiance rewarded by indifference. It involves overt defiance rewarded by isolation. It involves discrete categorization without any concerted delineated justification [basically, pragmatic classification without objective rationalization]. The destructive implications of this methodology are ubiquitous. While I do believe that my overall approach is [ob] noxious, I think that it is slightly ironic. I truly believe that I know what is valuable, and what is beautiful. It is because there is so little that is beautiful in what I see that I am hung up. To tell me to look on the bright side seems offensive. Basically, by �looking on the bright side� you are acknowledging that you have no causal relation with the external world, and so you mind as well just buckle down and get used to the slop you are served. That is not really the most proficient recipe for progress. I want to change the world. I want to help. I want to show someone what real beauty is. And I want to shift reality for all, not just the conscious.
I want mindless lostlings to live in a truly beautiful society too. I want them to feel confidant and leave the security of familiarity in exchange for warranted awareness. Creepy, how could I ever do that? I think if I was someone else like me, and I met me, I would like to talk to me. I don�t think I would gather any useful information, but I think that I would, at the very least, say some weird shit to myself. Bizarre how intention, methodology, and impact have such a non-linear relation when applied in a complex environment. Its like this world was made for the insane, and God threw a few rational people in just for contrast. I have no idea how a healthy being functions in this world, unless they just copy lower animals and just live in convergent complacency.
I think that what I just wrote is a partial representation of what I am thinking right now. On a second read, it seems kind of absurd, maybe idealistic? [I always put those clauses in, just incase I look back later and am embarrassed at my own naivety. Like instead I should just put �yes, I wrote this, but I by no means stand by it�]. I think I am just trying to find a really good reason to explain why I am unhappy.
By describing myself as a social savant, and intellectual trailblazer burning a calculated path into humanities �formative years�, I think I end up saving face, establishing value, yet at the same time explaining why the weaklings I know think I am an asshole. Right now I need to find someone to love. And someone to love me. And I want to meet someone trustworthy. [Fuck that is a pretty sad tangent to throw in, it make me sound miserable, just a bruised soul in need of a little TLC] IRONIC, I think what I really want is to meet someone that can look on the bright side of me, and look past all the evil shit I can barely detect anymore, and focus on the intrinsic value I possess. Weird, I guess you need one of each. 
