  just read this i relate so some of it quite well I don't know about my convictions. Not that I don't have any but that they are starting to become a little fuzzy and I cannot find a handle to grasp. My beliefs are being challenged in areas. There are things I've always just accepted as right and now I am growing up and realizing that I have to actually decide for myself. I've always been a very independent person and have made decisions on my own without caring what the crowd was doing. I had to be that way. I didn't grow up surrounded by the church and being guided by Godly counsel. I grew up searching the Scriptures in the quiet of my room, by myself, forming convictions and praying for wisdom. But I am sure I missed a few things along the way, things I didn't need to think about at the time. I am scared. I am scared of not knowing exactly what I believe in, or perhaps not standing firm in exactly what I believe in. I am scared of the future. I am scared of people continuing to tell me how strong I am only to find out I am but a struggler along the same path of life that they walk, only I probably walk it with much less elegance than they do.
It's okay to be scared sometimes, isn't it? I know the end result is always in God's hands but there is always the fear of the unknown. I just don't want to be too legalistic. I want to live in freedom. I don't want to be a Pharisee. I want to have compassion and love without condition and with understanding. I want to connect with people and meet them where they are in life. I want to be like Jesus. Don't worry about my salvation, for those are not the convictions I write of.
I fall more in love with Christ every day, more enamored with the way God calls us to Himself and guides the steps we take, more anxious to trust in His faithfulness and the plan He mapped out thousands of years ago for me. No, my struggles are not with God Himself or the Gospel He has given us. If anything, that is the only thing I am absolutely sure of at this exact moment, the only thing unchanging. Tonight my struggles are with things that are insignificant to others but are very large and real to me.
I feel very insecure right now as well. It's weird how quickly these things come upon us. I wonder what you would think of me as I sit here with all of my doubts and insecurities. I'm not especially outgoing so most people have to start conversations with me first. People used to tell me they thought I was a snob for this reason in high school, until they got to know me.
You probably would not feel inclined to approach me if we just met on the street. There is nothing striking about me. I'm not beautiful. My hair goes frizzy when it's humid outside. I wear a size 12. Sometimes when I get really sick and lose some weight, I can fit into a 10. But somehow I always gain enough when I recover to get back into a 12; never above but never able to stay below for too long. I'm told all of the medicine doesn't help. I don't have a beautiful smile. I needed braces but my parents couldn't afford them. I stayed out in the sun too much as a kid and so acquired many freckles and moles here and there. My boss yells at me and says I'm going to get skin cancer because she had skin cancer from a mole. I can't stay out in the sun much anymore because it makes me sick. I get scared when I get really close to someone and I want to run. Then, if I do allow myself to get close and do something to screw it up, I really freak out and take flight.
It's probably a result of my childhood but I should snap out of it and grow up. Sometimes I get really weepy. I just want someone to hold my hand right then and tell me it will be okay. Other times I couldn't shed a tear if my life depended on it and other times I wouldn't want you to come near me. That's when the wall is up and it's unbreakable. Sometimes I write really long posts that I will later regret and want to delete, and sometimes I do delete them. Sometimes I pour out the contents of my head without really thinking and then I step back and hold my breath, wondering if anyone can relate or if they all will point and laugh at my insanity.
And, apparently, sometimes I write long lists of my flaws when I�m having an attack of insecurity. I am one screwed up person tonight. Nobody will truly know what this whole post is about. I�m not sure I even do. I just needed an outlet and my fingers went to work. I really don�t understand half of what I�ve written. I would tell you it's just about one thing that's been on my mind today but it's really about more than that.>>>>> 
