  i quit letting people read shit like this a long time ago. consider yourself special. so i dont know where this is coming from but after some thought this afternoon i had to get some shit out of my system. i realize that one of the last adjectives one would use to best describe my demeanor would be optimistic.... but after having a few people whos opinions i trust mention shit to me in passing, i feel (really) bad that others get frustrated at the fact i can be so goddamn cynical. right? not that i had not noticed the problem myself. the idea that it could come up in conversation three times in two days is a problem. i obviously dont want to be interpreted 'that way'. i am certainly happier when im not 'that way'... other people are happier when im not 'that way'.... and i would think most importantly people arnt afraid of saying something that they assume would set me off in those regards when im not thinking like that. you cant have good (read as- halfway honest and meaningful) conversation if you have to censor what you say... and i think i sometimes make people feel like they have to do just that. ok that sucks because that exemplifies all i think is wrong with the world. thats the last thing i would want.... bullshit fucking follows me so when i have the opportunity to experience something genuine im on it.... i mean fuck, every conflict... ever, on any scale, can be traced to a breakdown in communication.
while there a trillion different stories as to what went wrong where and such, the core of the issue is the same nonetheless. things are easy when you can just talk to someone without barriers, and there are very few people (if any) your average person can indeed do that with. (well, maybe thats just me. i dont know, thats where i think im going with this. ) its a sorry state of affairs really... i mean shit... things could not have always been like this, you know?
as many have noticed (or no one has noticed, one of the two)i cannot tolerate people who dont listen more than about anything. thinking about it, it all ties together, doesnt it? .......... ok i get exasperated at the fact that even the people closest to me dont 'listen' listen.... or really pay attention to what is going on in many regards.... anyway i have come to the conclusion that this is forming a horrid pattern.
i talk on something important to someone i think is paying attention... which is a lot more uncommon than one would like to believe....and they end up being merely a nodding head whos not even looking at me let alone letting anything i say sink in before chanting "uh huh. " .... i get frustrated.... and from there i do one of two things... A i get a (non-intentional) cynical sarcasm chip on my shoulder (sadly it is quite common as well..) or B i shut off any kind of communication with said 'listener' i must admit these are not ok ways to handle the situation, but it all boils down to me being totally jaded with people as an entire race.
in no way is this intended to be any form of elitist behavior... it is merely a place my head goes... 'why doesnt anybody get me? ' kinda place.....fucking sucks. ok this should not be interpreted as me passing the buck, if you will, on a bad attitude i may have. i in no way proclaim to not be entirely responsible for what i do or say... or how i come off for that matter.
of course i am aware of how i could be viewed on various occasions, everyone is on a subconscious level... but goddamn. there is surely a level where i can maintain my unhealthy 'so it goes' psychoanalytical thought process and really (truly) see how that kinda shit effects people besides myself. i mean, i surely know how what i do effects people, but sometimes things fuck with my own head so much i dont realize to what degree it is effecting others... wow.. so yeah. having read this once long ago....'solitude: walking alone, doing things alone - is the most blessed thing in the world. the mind relaxes and thoughts begin to flow and I think that I am beginning to find myself a little. ' anyways the lady that said that.... humm... she is good. seems i have too many people in my life right now that are afraid of whats going on in their own heads. at the same time there are a few people ive come to know who have their shit together, yet feel as if everything in their life is up in the air.
i am sure they are not aware of this fact, in any regard, but goddamn. i wish they knew it. i think maybe the people who are questioning their own stability are more emotionally grounded than anyone else. of course it is unhealthy to be a recluse, but if you cant contentedly live with whats going on in your mind and accept it as ok regardless of how fucked up it may seem in comparison to others, you are a sad person, really. regardless of how in control i am of how i think (not how i feel, thats a totally unrelated issue) thinking about it sends a very ulcer-like feeling.. that is not good...... although i dig solitude, now more than ever, i need to learn to not depend on peoples presence so much.
that makes no sense, im sure. to sum it up, it takes a lot for me to let someone in, and when they are there i expect it to be for the long haul. that came out totally wrong. i dont want it to seem like i am a commitment freak. if nothing else i may have commitment issues. but i like structure. guarantees. if i invest time and energy into someone, share shit i otherwise wouldnt, learn to care about them, i want to know they will be around. if not physically, somehow. pretend to be halfway interested, if nothing else. when those people fade away-- or even digress and turn into people they at one point would have despised, its not ok. just let me say i dont think it is good when everything has a tragic feel about it. so it goes. 
