  i am so fucking tired of taking care of other people right now. i dont have kids for a reason-- i dont have the time strength or energy to take care of that. i cannot handle having other people rely on me unknowingly for so much. maids are paid. therapists are paid. a chump is free.
and thats me. i love to help people, but there comes a point where you are being fucking used and thats where i feel i am. if i come clean with what i am thinking i am an emotional bitch. right now i could knock both roomies on thier asses with whats going on in my head. maturity girls. you both need to realize that the world does NOT revolve around you.
i mention a problem and i get a compliant from you. geez tell me how both you and your boyfriend slept last night and how much your 12 credit ass has to do. tell me how youre growing up and dont want to leave me behind. tell me alllll about how you need to find a job and move to a place youve never been and go on job interviews to places you havent sent your resumes to. uhhh ok dear. reality check.
people like you dont make it far in the world. it is giving me an ulcer. i see why people could freak and beat their kids, i am so sad to say. i am at a point of breaking right now. and the added on katie BULLSHIT that should have been let go MONTHS ao does not help me. what the FUCK is this shit.
fuck you all. thats where i am right now. can i focus on me a second and not just work it in between tasks for others? would that be ok? im not a crier and i feel like im going to just break down. or scream something i dont entirely mean.
or punch someone. or throw up. or all. kill me. how can i feel so damn miserable. HORRIBLE.
ulcer enters here. why am i locked in my room all the time? humm. guess what kids, there are other people in the world besides you. people have their own problems, real ones, nonetheless, not just not getting mom and daddy to but you a new suit. imagine that.
it enrages me. the two ladies who were my best friends have turned into people i can hardly tolerate. really. the phone rings. who is that? gee i dunno.
its the person she declares to be her best friend. yeah thats right, sure isnt me, cuz i wont take liars and their bullshit. or theives, goddammit. morals, values, ethics, friendship for christs sake. relearn what those are. good luck putting your routine past people in the future.... fake people are all the rage in california.
as cliche as it is, no one here understands me. im sorry i dont think like you. not everything is on the surface. im sorry i look deeper and see things you try to hide. i am sorry my concerns are not similar to yours. im sorry i take on so much and try and act like i can handle it all.
im sorry it seems it is i who is moving on and am not as sad as i would have thought to leave you behind. i would post this right now, but imagine that, she is still on the phone. humm. they havent spoken in a few hours i guess. i like ken. like, like.
he asked if i drove a silver focus. he saw me and waved, i didnt see him. i saw a speech by a man called todd savitt today about race medicine and the so called discovery of sickle cell anemia. smart man. it was interesting. i got a letter from katherine at vagrant today in the mail saying thanks for the resume, were not hiring, we will put it on file.
i bet wayne didnt even look at it. thanks for emailing me, guy. and i KNOW rich didnt see it. what am i going to do? deep down i think i thought it would work out out there without me stressing. i was so wrong, huh?
master of my own destiny, indeed. friday is gto and pomeroy. james what? wed is my 477 test. and i have a paper to do, and i have to work. i dont to even see katie in her bullshit glory, not to mention having her stay here.
fuck this. i need help. like lean on me kinds help. who out there has got that thsat isnt causing me grief right now?? tom, yes, uncle tom, goes to trial on thurs for possession of meth. huh.
moms going. one good look in the eye will do it, no words necessary. if i was in town, id go too. i wish i was there for her. he cannot bullshit his way out of this one with a "hhheeeeey jude how are ya. " she hasnt spoken to him since she told him he had to make the next move in contacting her.
that was like 2 or 3 years ago. AND HE IS LIVING IN TOWN, TOO. apparently in a ghetto in riverside. with a trashy lady. so hes producing meth? ask about his KIDS.
lizabeth is 18 or 19 now. david is close. he hast seen them in years, either. good good dad. i wonder if jus and i are going to turn out like that. right now, thanks to amber, he is the tom and i am the jude.
i have to call/ email/ etc HIM. always. huh. something to think about. so i rented the good girl (fuck you very much) and i want to have a nice boy like him of my own. well, minus the drinking and suicide.
a thinker. a writer. someone else misunderstood. there is a perfect miserable match out there. here i am. im keeping my eyes out.. find me.
i got my windshield fixed today. insurance covered it. is that the ONLY good thing in my life? 
