  wow i hate it when other people are hurt. even if i have nothing to do with it, i hate it. i feel vicariously bad. fuck that. why am i bringing this up? he says this, i felt kinda bad... "um that is quite an interestng fact.
i quite miss my mickeys ice 40's and rolling rock i will have you know. and yes i am in some sort of heinous funk and part of it is well you know why and then my current attempt at quitting smoking again isnt really helping. and the sad thing is i dont really meet a whole lot of people when i am with her cause most people think we are a couple and back away. and fucking a were not. but i have agreed/ invited her whatever to travel with me a bit so might as well stick with her. my flatmates are fucking insane alcoholics tho most of em rock.
they are however dirtier than josh by far. do me a favor and look at my flat for any free loading renters i wouldnt put it past josh to do so, harsh but true. i might have my cousins go in for inspections from time to time. and such a good son i am i almost forgot that my moms bday is the end of the week however i do not know which day it is. your class schedule sounds pretty hot, no whining, and the michael thing seems to be doing alright. the daily well its the daily although i am sort of interested in the real world bit.
i told megan that i would talk to her next semester if she was editor about doing movie reviews because of the fact that 8 mile just came out here last week. went and saw it for the 3rd time last night however(it gets worse every time actually) i dont actually think you shared the car accident analogy with me the other day. you better keep my babies alive you hear. i burned a couple of the modest mouse cds over christmas but i never got into your cd because my stereo wasnt hooked up properly. no one at all out here knows anything about emo. drum and bass heaven tho.
oh and the time difference is that i am 6 hrs ahead of everyone so most of the time that i can go on aim no one is even on, boo. later alex" then he says this, and i feel even more bad... "so it went down. i dont really want to type it all out so go here it is copy pasted from my diary i will fill in any holes and i would appreciate talking to you about this since you are the voice of wisdom on this issue. fuck her. this is prolly selfish of me. but pardon me if i get pissed off when you invite me out with you and then make out with some random bloke when your drunk.
its not like she doesnt know how i feel. fuck id treat her like a god damn princess and she knows it but it really does shit for the self esteem when she wont consider you but she will go all party slut whenever she feels like. i was so pissed off i decided to walk home and ditch everyone. i very well could have gotten mugged in the supposed to be hour long walk and beyond that i was piss drunk and i got lost, i guess swansea is a hell of alot bigger than i thought, and finally after about 20 taxis i found one that would take me home where i commenced to have a phone conv with b. and against my better judgement i didnt yell at or tell her off, instead i calmly made her feel like shit and cry. the fucked up part is i feel bad about that. so for someone i have planned to go on weekend trips with for the next 4 months im kind of stuck being her freind.
the feasibility of not talking to her is close to nil. well if we are going to be freinds i should tell her she has to start actually being interested in my feelings thoughts etc. otherwise why the fuck should i have a one sided freindship. my example, i sat here in the same large public library and cried for a good fifteen minutes grieving for my brother who thankfully (very thankfully) has started to grieve. while she sat next to me didnt say anything didnt ask didnt comfort. that is definately not something i really look for or for that matter appreciate.
freindship to me, actually more than freindship, was exemplified when me and my brothers hugged each other and cried outside a bar after kathys wake regardless of the people going in and out. fuck. so now i have to decide whether i should TRY and talk with her calmly about all this and work out how exactly our freindship is going to work. or i really should close it all up with a nice layer of ice. that unfortunatley has the potential to become a drama scene again later. i fucking hate drama, especially when it is of my own making.
i cant seem to stop or ignore it then. yeah so hit me back thanks steve" its is easier to chronicle my life this way. less typing. i say: "hey voice of wisdom. ahh flattery. wow so on top of oozing "not happy" what happened, in summary, is not ok. youre there to have a good time; you can be sad at home for free.
there are some people that do nothing but build you up to let you crash, and those are the people you have to funnel out of your life. yeah thats a little cruel, but i think thats where my mind is on a few people i know right now. no need to put up with people's bullshit games and schemes if its not absolutely necessary. so how that that for predictable. although it may be hard to even fathom putting yourself there, some people are indeed utterly oblivious of how what they do effects other people. an even worse issue is knowing full well what you are doing and how it effects people and not caring- as long as you're happy.
in this case i think it necessary to maintain some kind of tolerant relationship, yes, but at the same time it also seems like it would be a relationship where you have got to watch your back and continually question motives. thats not good. is it changeable is the question. my bet is still on no. good point- i dont think you need a one sided friendship. that sucks.
anyway im pretty sure you know exactly what i mean when i mentioned the car accident analogy/ scenario, and its ironic because she happened to prove my point for me. [flash back to the last time you were in a breanna situation... i believe you were trying to get me to explain to billings why i was against such a union, if you will. anyway that feeling of seeing unavoidable travesty in the works and not being able to do anything about it? yeah. hold that thought. ] so what does this mean?
i dont know- its hard to explain it, other than by saying i dont like seeing people put themselves in 'not ok' positions. i dont know.. i dont "not like her" for who she is- to each their own- rather for what she exemplifies. i dont enjoy seeing/hearing of people like that pulling their shit time and again and getting away with it. keeping people/opinions/things around for connivance's sake. been there. then again, maybe that is something that has to knock you on your ass before it can set in... thats certainly what it took for me... however i did liberate myself from said bullshit situation back when.
[enter raging independent of today. uugh. ] anyways so you know that was in no way supposed to sound like a lecture, right? hopefully. heres what i wonder though... assuming she cried because she felt bad- does she feel bad because she actually feels bad, of does she feel bad because she was called out on her actions? may be a hard call.
but i dont know- doesnt sound like something healthy to be involved in regardless. you have to watch that one- old habits die hard and no matter how much faith you have in someone straightening their shit out, there is sadly never a guarantee girls suck. well, most of them at least. anyway i know what you mean about meeting people out there, but give it a minute. something tells me that when you find your place out there you will have something else to focus your time or thoughts or attention on. youll feel better if nothing else.
wow thats all been a downer. i suck. so lame-o ames news, that will make you happy. (well probably not. ) anyway there is a story in the daily today about hastings. it sounds fucking stupid and didnt even mention my new "lifestyles" department.
(ha lifestyles, get it? ) yeah ok im really going to wear a nametag that says "lifestyles associate" on it. come on, jamie. uh lets see oh im doing a pr campaign project for worldly goods this semester. yay for free trade. wow so people in my life right now, namely my CA pals and my brother and people afar- including yourself- have heard more from me this semester (all 2 weeks of it) that all of last semester.
procrastination is the other thing i am working on: awful habit or fine art... decide. ok i dont know what to tell you other than chin up and not to let people like that get you down. karma is a bitch. literally. or you could quit being so nice and give her the verbal bitch slap people have apparently failed to give until this point. that may be quite productive.
really. let me know if you need to talk. -=k ps dont walk by yourself in foreign countries drunk at night anymore. ok? :)" 
