  so hey, alright. im just about to pop in tommy boy and crack open a beer. how ladylike. its raining out... very monsoon-esque. ive spent a good part of the night sitting outside on our bamboo enclosed balcony listening to the rain. thinking.
trying to understand why things are the way they are and what its going to take to change them. not even changing them so much as bearing with them and surviving. just being content with the way things are. thats all i really need. i need to stop worrying about other people so much. how they are and how they feel and how what i say or do may or may not effect their lives.
always thinking about others ultimately is bad for you. not to sound like im always a great person, but i try to be. to the point where i beat myself up, and that has got to change. i like being a little too nice, too trusting. i would choose to be this way over being like the rest of OC anyday. give me a second, im going outside for a few.
gather my thoughts, clear my head, breathe some clear air. wish you were here. as i was aluding to... its not so much asking myself WHAT am i doing here as it is HOW am i doing here. not that i would be/feel/act any better anywhere else, its just that things arnt ok... and i wonder if they could have been different. i suppose that is inevitable. i love the people i have met here, as bizarro as they may be.
they have nothing to do with the blue funk im in. i heard somewhere that the first couple years after you graduate from college are the most depressed times of your life. so far i agree with this. what i feel is not like the phases i went thru in college.... at times depressed because i was lonely. or not lonely enough. depressed because of the family.
depressed because i was truely an adult. depressed over simple realites such as school and work and easy, material, mindless, fleeting things. things are deeper now.... what is at the core of the issue is more important and true. its a clear reality. this is how life is. ive entered a place where it is no longer prep time.
no more rehearsals. game on, be alert. this is partially exciting and partially scary as fuck. there is a fine line between them, i come to find out. today is ash wednesday. no church for me.
homer would enter a "mmm.. sacreligious" here. the rain makes me happy. makes the world seem very clean for once. and everyone slows down for a second. how travis bickle of me. but he is right, it does wash the scum off the streets.
im only happy when it rains. ok, not true. im not exactly happy. but its the same macabre state of my dark mind that keeps me content when im miserable, the part that makes me grow from pain and hurt. that place in my brain that makes me work best under panic and pressure. so it goes.
so drop me a line, i could use come comfort today. 
