  so its like this. i am restless. i dont know where i want to be or what i want to do, but i do know this is not it. im not sure where to go from here or how to change things. work will change soon... but again, i still wont be where i want in life. i will still be a parttimer with a degree. i will scrape by. i will be living with S. maybe she is right about the physical environment effecting me. i dont want to bring people here. and everyone lives "far" away. the boy issue is hindered even more thanks to the living situation. the family is not ok. i cannot really go back there. i would love love love to see a few kids from back home... A, L and S........ and J ;) but i dont want to go back there and face the sickening reality that is a crumbled family.
its almost november. its 80 degrees. come christmas, this will no longer be acceptable. like i said, i am restless. im most areas of my life. i am scared of moving in a new directon. change is good, and i am certainly a risk taker when it comes to most important things.... but i am still in this stalemate with myself.
what is that cliche about having one foot in the past and one in the future causing you to piss on the present? maybe thats it. i am so concerned about what WILL happen and wont let go of what HAS happened that i am not being constructive with the time i have right now. you think? the ulcer feeling tells me i just hit the nail on the head. in other news, today is my day off.
this is nice. all i have done today is laundry and cleaning anf the like. and searched for my emo boy crush. looks like he is MIA. my boss and i close together on halloween and have decided to dress as the white stripes. (perfect record store costume, thank you very much. ) i will be meg, dressed in red pants and a black shirt, along with the "i heart jack" pin. she will be jack, dressed in red shirt and black pants, and of course the "i love meg" pin. are we clever or are we clever. i think i am off to watch saved by the bell. did i mention i am fucking lame. and unhappy? 
