  the saga of my life here is what has gone on between dad and i #1 I SAY have some words for you and they are serious. read slowly, for i mean it ALL. well, dad, you blew it. you knew what you had to do. the few weeks and the feeble attempt you made at being a good husband was not enough. it is too bad you never gave being a good father a shot.
it amazes me mom lasted this long, with you living in the basement and showing the tv and duke more attention and respect. maybe jus may still be there for you on occasion i sure as hell can tell you this: you have not given a shit about me since i was 12, when i started to defend myself and tell you what was on my mind... and i certainly have not respected a word you have said or a thing you have done since i was 12 and you told mom to "shut her mouth while she was still your wife. " (wow, kids remember that kind of thing? well you have no idea. ) i guess it comes down to this: there is nothing for YOU to be angry about. if you are being bitter and rude to mom (as history shows me you probably are, as usual) for doing something i would have years ago, i would quit.
grow up and take responsibility and feel bad for what you put people through. ulcers for christ sake. having the courage to make herself happy for the first time in years is commendable you are nothing but selfish. there are other people in the world, and imagine how much it takes to push them all away. for example- i am supposed to love you and mom more than about anyone. i do love mom, more than she knows... but you have never given me a reason to love you.
if anything, you make it fucking impossible. ive tried, dad, but if those closest to you cant love you, maybe its time to reevaluate yourself. if anything, you should be regretful. maybe now you know what it feels like to not be cared about by someone who is SUPPOSED to care the most. this is what i have felt like with you for 10 years.... and i stopped caring and accepted the fact you weren't going to change years ago. i hope you realize how serious this is... you could have prevented it.
and when it comes to your relationship with me, well, it would have been nice to have the father be the adult in the relationship for once, but i gave up hope on that. you have a lot to learn, and maybe someday you'll care enough to open your eyes and see you are a very unpleasant person. as it stands, i really dont want to see you anymore, which i am sure is more than ok with you, seems you care more about me checking my goddamn oil than anything else. you have only seen me after age 18 because of mom. (how many times have you talked to me on the phone from school? NONE.
how many times did you call me in CA? NONE. how many times have you asked me about school or showed any support for actually graduating? NONE. how many times have you asked about work? NONE.
how many times have you acted concerned? NONE. supportive? NONE. called me on my birthday? NONE.
told me you loved me? NONE. how many times have you asked me about my career search? NONE. told me you were proud? NONE.
how many times have you asked me how i was or if i was ok or what i was up to? NONE. how many times have you acted like a father, minus letting me live in your house? humm... NONE. ) those figures dont lie.
and dont bother starting now. things are a lot clearer in hindsight, huh? i am a lot smarter than you would like to give me credit for... sad. i pray to god i am never half as self centered as you. and of you dont have anything mature to say to me, do not even respond. do, however, take every damn word i said to heart.
good luck and goodbye k #1 HE REPLIES K, What everyone needs to undertand, I have never had anything but love for my wife and my family in my heart. I may not be good at showing it but I have had no help in showing it. I'm a good man who has had made mistakes but never anything to deserve the sort of treatment and disreguard for my fealings and my efforts to do the best I can. All I ever wanted was the "woman" I married and to raise a good, loving family and I have had my heart ripped out for doing so. I mad a great effort and still would to make this marriage work but I can't do it by my self. You say I could have prevented it, I was the only one trying to prevent it.
As for calling you, think about it, I can only stand being told how little you care about me so many times. Every time I tried to be a father I caught hell from everyone. You learn to sevive the best you can and hope the scars will heal. Remenber this, I love you all and did the best I could. Love, Dad #2 I SAY funny how you try to make this out to be moms fault for not trying. right.
with that alone my respect for anything you might say plumits. she gave you a second chance when i never would have, and you didnt change a bit. you knew you had to start showing people you gave a shit. you did not. you say you had no help in showing it- guess what dad- YOU ARE THE ADULT. YOU ARE THE FATHER.
in the case between you and i, you never once tried to act like it. you never apoligized for being an ass towards me. you never made an attempt. do you know what that does? pushes people away. so you have discovered.
you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself, because that is all this entire letter is, self pity. no, i dont feel bad for you. think about it- i have seen the way other familys operate and it seems like i have not had a dad since i was 12. it is funny- when other people start to notice and point it out, you know its not all in your head. you say "I may not be good at showing it but I have had no help in showing it. " like i said, you cant pass the buck on this one. youve treated me like shit.
YOU are the father. please. you say "I'm a good man who has had made mistakes but never anything to deserve the sort of treatment and disreguard for my fealings and my efforts to do the best I can. " to this i say BULLSHIT. tell me why someone deserves to be in your life if all they do is criticize you and have total disregard for your relationship? you do not realize what you consider a few mistakes add up to 10 years of agony.
of not wanting to be at home. of you sitting on your ass in the basement and the rest of the family being upstairs-- away from you-- to avoid the unpleasantness. tell me one way you have shown mom you love her in the last 10 years that was not inspired by the thoughts of her leaving you? and even tougher, show me one way you have shown me you have loved me? exactly. you are passively agressively blaming me for this, saying "As for calling you, think about it, I can only stand being told how little you care about me so many times.
Every time I tried to be a father I caught hell from everyone. You learn to sevive the best you can and hope the scars will heal. " when did you try to be a father? and when did you cetch hell for it? ASKING ME ABOUT MY OIL EVERY TWO WEEKS IS SOMETHING A STRANGER COULD DO. horrible attempt, if you ask me.
you say you learn to survive the best you can and hope the scars will heal- well guess what dad, thats what i have been doing since i was 12-- and god only knows how long it has been for mom-- A LONG TIME. this is what i mean. take responsibility and quit being so selfish. maybe what you are feeling now is a small part of what we have felt for so long. other peoples dads show seem to care about me more than you. strangers are nicer to mom that you.
is it sinking in yet? you say "I made a great effort and still would to make this marriage work but I can't do it by my self. and I could have prevented it, I was the only one trying to prevent it. " guess what dad- im not blind, nor deaf. the effort you made was both weak and shortlasting. you were "a tolerable person" for a few weeks.
over thanksgiving, everything was back to normal. same at christmas, and especially over spring break. you will never change, and you KNOW that is what you had to do. you think you were the only one trying to prevent this? you have never been so wrong. mom gave you 6 months to see if giving you the rest of her life would be worth it.
and you proved it wasnt. and to think i defended you! i actually thought you would pull your head out of your ass and see the light and take responsibility. you did not. "All I ever wanted was the "woman" I married and to raise a good, loving family and I have had my heart ripped out for doing so. " WHAT DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE WAY YOUR FAMILY HAS TURNED OUT?
WHAT DO YOU KNOW???????? NOTHING. SO DO NOT FEED ME THESE LINES. IT SOUNDS GREAT, BUT IS TOTAL BULLSHIT. YOU WOULD HAVE TRIED TO BE A DAD RATHER THAN A BIOLOGICAL FATHER IF YOU CARED. YOU, AS AN ADULT, WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT ME, AS A CHILD, GIVING UP ON YOU WAS A SIGN TO TRY HARDER.
YOU CANT BLAME ME FOR THIS ONE, I WAS A KID. IVE GROWN UP, THINGS ARE A LOT CLEARER NOW, AND THE FEELINGS STILL STAND. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT NOW I HOLD A WHOLE OTHER KIND OF PAIN IN THINKING THAT A FATHER WOULD ACTUALLY SEE HIS DAUGHTER WAS SATRTING TO HATE HIM AND NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. YOU DIDNT. you say "Remenber this, I love you all and did the best I could. " to this, i also disagree.
being on your guard and trying to be pleasant on occasion is not the best you could. you more nicer to strangers on the street. looks to me like you have a lot of thinking to do. and even more to realize. quit blaming. its juvenile.
dont fool yourself in thinking "oh i was a great father and husband, they mysu be making these years of misory up. " remember what i said about dying alone if things didnt change? well dad that was 7 months ago. what have you done to change it? exactly #2 HE REPLIES When I said I would try to change I was completely serious and I remain completely serious. I made to jump to seeing a professional if that would help.
I need help. I can't just know what to do because everyone watches me swim around in a fish bowl while I start to sink to the bottom. It's the people that mean everything to me that I need help from. Every bad encounter was not one sided, my pain, my hurt is and was as deep as antone elses. I lash out the same as you when I get hurt. This does not make it right but that is still what happens.
I'm a good, compassionate God fearing man who raised childen to be the same the best way I knew. I will be the first to admit that my aggressive ways were not right but it was the only tool I knew how to use. It has not been easy for me to struggle raising a family with all the ups and downs in my life. I dont mean to make any of this sould like excuses, its not. I just want you to understand whats in my heart and what comes out of my mouth are always the same thing when involved with the stress of an argument. No matter what has happened in the past, don't ever think I was anything but proud of the person you have become and I do love you all.
Dad #3 I SAY guess what dad, if people honestly want to change, they will. you had years to do it. we all put up with you for that long. did you see me telling you any of this when i was 18? no. i gave you a shot.
things remained the same. you didnt change. seven months is so long, but like i said--- when i saw you over thanksgiving, nothing was different. and that was only a couple months later. change, my ass. what a weak attempt.
everyone has problems. right now i am under more stress with school and work and finding a job and THIS BULLSHIT than i have ever been under before. for the last 4 years my schedule has been class all day work all night. 8am-12am is a awful schedule. did you see me taking it out on everyone around me??? NO.
and you always have. always. dont act like we didnt give you a chance. no matter what else was going on in your life family was SUPPOSED to be #1 and from what i have experienced, we were in last place. look at mom-- look at all that she has been through-- her past, and all the bullshit she tolerated from you. she needed a stable happy family experience, one she lacked growing up-- and you could not even try to give her that.
face it: she raised us by herself. BY HERSELF. did you ever lift a finger? drive us around? help with school? give a shit?
the list could go on and on and on..... the truth hurts, doesnt it dad. i did turn out good-- way better than one would have figured considering that half of my parental unit would hardly speak to me in my formative to adult years. i credit mom to keeping me sane. your ups and downs..... what about moms? you are not supportive to her in one bit. NOT... ONE...
BIT. you say you would try to change. well you had your shot, nothing was different. giving mom flowers for a week to win her affections doesnt not cut it, for it soon went back to the same old mike crap. of course you are adament right now of wanting to change: it is sinking in, we all were not kidding. dad- the way things have been with you have inevitably fucked up my life, made mom miserable-- and "wanting to change" is not good enough.
just do it already, if you care. thats all it comes down to. i do not want to hear any more excuses, or anymore "i need help. " you had your chance. years of chances. a real father would have been concerned when their kids and wife started to fade away from them.
i honestly dont think i have seen love between you and mom for YEARS. an apology would be a start. to mom. quit trying to make people feel bad for you. that is almost offensive. it makes me, and i am sure mom feel like you do not begin to fathom the way you have hurt us and have been over the last 10 years.
funny, i have fought with mom as well.... but SHE cares about me. she wasnt an asshole 90% of the time. she didnt try to make me pack my bags and move out at the age of 13 for "being a primadonna" like you did. (yeah, the log of times you were a jerk to me is a mile and a half long. ) i know every encounter was not one sided, but who is the "father? " you.
the instigator? you. who is the quick tempered one with the look of evil in their eyes when things dont go exactly their way? you. who is always right no matter how wrong? you.
people tire of it, and tire of it quick. if you are the god fearing man you proclaim to be, id start the repenting and start it quick. you have made the lives of the people you claim to love miserable. let that word soak in dad. dozens of times between 92-present i have pleaded with mom to just leave you, for you were nothing but mean, angry, over aggressive and demeaning. destructive would be a good word.
she didnt. she gave you chance after chance to change. time ran out. other people noticed this dad, and that is humiliating. your own brothers and sisters have even discussed it with me. what is your problem?
why do you talk me like im an idiot? why are you such a smartass? why do you never do any family stuff? they all ask me...... my response? i dont know. i just dont care anymore.
if you spent a fraction of the time you spent wandering around in the woods on your family things would be fine right now. if it were not for mom, you would never see me. to be clear, anything that is mine is leaving with mom. i sure will miss duke. you need to go talk to someone. without mom, because she does not deserve to suffer and be unhappy anymore.
you need to take time to work on you. let me tell you, you need it. if you are adult enough to admit you do need to do this- then maybe i will begin to respect what you have to say. right now, it is painfully hard, if not impossible to do. you need to admit to mom you have not been a good husband. but first you need to admit this to yourself.
you act as if she just up and decided she didnt care anymore. this could not be further from the truth. listening to her cry to me from three hours away, saying she just cant live like this anymore kills me. you need to look past how YOU are affected and see what is coming of everyone else, because the misery is YOUR fault. no problem you have had in your life could measure up to what you have done here. you want to know an example of a fatherly thing to do?
you were within 30 minutes of my house a few weekends ago. thanks for stopping in for dinner or something. (ps that is not an invitation. if i saw you right now id punch you. ) my point is this: i have roommates who's parents drive 2 hours out of their traveling paths to stop in and take them out to lunch. my dad cant sign his own name on my birthday card.
you are trying to change, my ass. old habits die hard, and you are too damn stubbern to ever admit that. you will always be a miserable person. you will never be happy. 85% of the world has lives well worse than yours, but you are so pissed off all the time all you do is take it out on other people. no one will ever want to be around you again if that does not stop.
EVER. do not ever EVER express in words what you cannot express in actions. do not say you care about me until you show it. do not say you love any of us until you show it. do not make any more excuses. do not mention "wanting to change" again until you put some goddamn effort into it.
words do not mean shit right now, dad. you have a lot of time to make up for. A LOT. my prayers are with mom. she needs to leave for HER own mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. dont make it any worse for her k 
