  More Random Thoughts The lingering effects of Valentine's Day. I love my boyfriend. But lately, I seem to get bitter from time to time. I don't know if it's justified, or if I just have unrealistic expectations. But I still get bitter. I hate Valentine's Day.
Hate the commercialism, anyways. Don't care to make reservations to eat in an overcrowded restaurant just to say I had a date on Valentine's Day. Don't care to be made to feel like I have to buy a gift, or a cheesy card, or make some contrived gesture of affection. Those things are better left for spur-of-the-moment when a genuine emotion strikes. And I'd like to think I do that. Get up early one day to make breakfast before work.
Take a few extra moments another day to make him lunch before work. Go out of my way after work to pick up some Pepsi, cuz I know how much he enjoys it and I also know that we've been out for a few days. Volunteer the idea of a hot tub party cuz he's had some shitty birthday parties in the past. You know, little things to show I'm thinking about him. That he's important to me, that I want him to be happy. Maybe I'm blind.
Maybe he does things and I just don't see them for what they are. But every now and then, when I start to get bitter, I think pretty hard, look pretty closely. I don't see a lot. He'll plan for months to save up for a gun, a tattoo, a toy. Any trips or special occasions are planned and instigated by me. And see - I get bitter.
I hate being bitter, because I like being happy. I like how people like being around me when I'm happy. Anyways. Babies. Babies, babies, babies. What more can I say?
For 18 years, they were strange, foreign beings to me, and all of a sudden, even three aren't enough to keep me happy. I can't get enough of them. Two in particular are special to me, and I've been strictly informed that I am NEVER to have a favorite. No problemo. They're all my favorites. =) People ask me all the time, "So when are you going to have one, then?
" Are you kidding? I have things perfectly right now: I get to be happy and excited to see them, maybe some day they'll think I'm cool (cuz I'm not Mom), and I get to go home by myself and still be excited to see them the next time. I can afford to buy all the cool toys and cute outfits for no reason. And - because, of course, I plan on having some ONE DAY - I get to learn! Even better than Mom's advice is to actually see a friend go through it, see what works and what doesn't, see the little things nobody thinks to tell you until after it happens. I'd like to pay off a few more debts, afford a bigger house with a real yard, and have the option to say, "Honey, I think I'd like to stay home after this year is up.
" And I'd like to be married first, and not worry that the father-to-be isn't as thrilled as I am. I'm too selfish right now, but give me a coupla years. You know, my mum was married shortly at 26, first child (me! ) at 27. It startled me the other day to realize that I'm now almost 25 myself . .
. and that, if things keep heading down this path, I may follow a similar timeline. But there's always the "who knows? " clause. And that's what keeps things interesting. I won't always be bitter.
Just until BF catches on that something's wrong, coaxes me into talking, and asks what he can do to make it better. Cuz if things really were bad, you know I wouldn't still be here. Obviously something keeps me around, I just forget that sometimes. Friends. They're constantly shifting. I enjoy seeing more of people I didn't a year ago, and not simply because of the baby incentive (even tho they tease me to the contrary).
People I swore I'd make regular time for have almost fallen off the charts. Not out of malice, not on purpose, things just change. Well, it's Friday night, and it's time for some much-needed socializing. Hope you all have a great weekend! All . .
. two? . . . of you?
I think I'm optimistic . . . =) 
