  I dont know why i acted that way such a long time ago. i was trying to save face. i doubt it makes much of a difference now, and i'm not sure anymore what i want. i'm comforted in a world absence of all that i knew. Alanah...how much would you give to have that day or 10 minutes? and after you'd had it, would it have been worth it or did you revel in your ignorance? i dont know aht answer even for myself.
b.c. when i've been thinking too much, id rather just wipe the memories away. and why do we do the things that drive us mad? going back to places that we were once happy at. you cant relive them alone. maybe alyssa was right. if you absourb completely into it long enough you either get tired or you get to the point when it hits you? is this really worth it? all this time and energy? is it really what you've wanted or were you just too scared to let go adn be in the open again. you'd rather feel attacked, no matter how bumped and bruised you get, being dragged along. I almost got there today. You create most of your illusion. its not really as good as it could be in your mind. and b.c.
you've lived so long w. nothing but your imagination to fill in that blank, would you still want to real thing as much as you've made it out to be?... you said you wanted a boyfriend. no. you dont want that. thats what they all have. thats easy. you want someone who you feel for as completely as you want them to feel for you.
b.c.
a one way street is not even half the distance.
i've tried. its worse than having nothing at all. and when it gets to the point where you want to creat a reason to hate them beyond all means b.c. it feels better. and it keeps a safer distance than falling back down. shit. i need to go study. "If ever did you love me then do not rob me of my hate. It is all I have left" 
