  i have issues i need to work out. its not anyones fault but my own. i need to back off and stop being such a fucking bitch. ppl do what they want w. who they want. i can't be something all the time. i'm sorry i was such a bitch today.
i just felt like disappearing all day. not once did i actually feel substantial....and i got home at 3:10 and immediatly broke down. i've never cried like that. i couldn't see, and i had a headache like someone had shot me in the head, only w.o. the joys of death. and i felt sick and i couldn't eat dinner.
i screamed into my pillow til my head almost split and my throat was beyond talking. and then i cried somemore. and the one thing, i had no idea why i was crying. even now. i just know i feel like i could die of.....something. IDK!
and i dont understand. crying liek that, has to come from somewhere, not no where. but i have this hole, but what from!!? ?...why should i feel empty. i feel over burdened too. but its all nothing....IDK!
if i had a kicking bag today it would have been put to good use. i locked myself in my bathroom and was kicking and hitting my counter. it didnt even hurt, i was in a masacistic mood or something. i'm numb. we had our christmas concert tonight... mde me happy, - yes, i'm that low... but region tryouts are this friday, so i'll be terrified and stressed all over again. GAA!!!!!!!
and...i just made it worse. and when will i learn to keep my fucking mouth shut. i wan tot go to sleep, but i will probably be up all night killing myself. but i wont die. oh no, god isnt that nice. 
