  as much as i love being drunk i hate it even more. i always end up doing things i dont wanna do.
i end up getting with some guy and not remembering what i did. and people say oo u need to learn how to control urself when ur drunk blah blah blah blah but its not like that i get to a certain point where i cant control what goes on.
its like i leave my body completly and things happen to it and somebody will say o we need to go home and ill kinda like wake up i gues and realize whats goin on its scary as hell. like tonight i drank i mean i was happy feelin good and then i get in the hot tub and all of a sudden shanna says were goin home and some guy is on top of me.
i start crying cuz i have no idea what just went down i have no idea what just happened. people say i make shit up like the shit with sal but i dont make it up. i get to a point where i NEED someone to tell me to stop and go like tonight if i had someone there that said omg stop right now and pulled me out i would of been fine.
but the people i drank with dont no me like gina and cassie do well more gina but still they dont no that when i drink to much like i did that they need to not let me go off by myself. i no its my own fault but i cant help it. i feel dirty. i feel wrong. i feel like more shit happened that i ever wanted to happen. i feel raped. im not fuckin kidding. yea shanna sits theres and tells me i was making out with him blah blah blah i coulda stopped when i wanted to but i cant stop when i pass that line i cant fuckin stop.
im not gonna drink anymore im fuckin done. i cant fuckin keep doing this shit to myself i just cant. i do things that I DONT WANT TO DO. what i did tonight i DID NOT want to do. call it what u want but i didnt want to do it. i just feel horrible and i dont wanna do this anymore. im becoming straight edge. im done 
